Чарльз Диккенс
Martin Chuzzlewit
‘Commission to you, doctor, on four new policies, and a loan this morning, eh?’ said Crimple, looking, when they had finished lunch, over some papers brought in by the porter. ‘Well done!’
‘Jobling, my dear friend,’ said Tigg, ‘long life to you.’
‘No, no. Nonsense. Upon my word I’ve no right to draw the commission,’ said the doctor, ‘I haven’t really. It’s picking your pocket. I don’t recommend anybody here. I only say what I know. My patients ask me what I know, and I tell ‘em what I know. Nothing else. Caution is my weak side, that’s the truth; and always was from a boy. That is,’ said the doctor, filling his glass, ‘caution in behalf of other people. Whether I would repose confidence in this company myself, if I had not been paying money elsewhere for many years – that’s quite another question.’
He tried to look as if there were no doubt about it; but feeling that he did it but indifferently, changed the theme and praised the wine.
‘Talking of wine,’ said the doctor, ‘reminds me of one of the finest glasses of light old port I ever drank in my life; and that was at a funeral. You have not seen anything of – of that party, Mr Montague, have you?’ handing him a card.
‘He is not buried, I hope?’ said Tigg, as he took it. ‘The honour of his company is not requested if he is.’
‘Ha, ha!’ laughed the doctor. ‘No; not quite. He was honourably connected with that very occasion though.’
‘Oh!’ said Tigg, smoothing his moustache, as he cast his eyes upon the name. ‘I recollect. No. He has not been here.’
The words were on his lips, when Bullamy entered, and presented a card to the Medical Officer.
‘Talk of the what’s his name – ’ observed the doctor rising.
‘And he’s sure to appear, eh?’ said Tigg.
‘Why, no, Mr Montague, no,’ returned the doctor. ‘We will not say that in the present case, for this gentleman is very far from it.’
‘So much the better,’ retorted Tigg. ‘So much the more adaptable to the Anglo-Bengalee. Bullamy, clear the table and take the things out by the other door. Mr Crimple, business.’
‘Shall I introduce him?’ asked Jobling.
‘I shall be eternally delighted,’ answered Tigg, kissing his hand and smiling sweetly.
The doctor disappeared into the outer office, and immediately returned with Jonas Chuzzlewit.
‘Mr Montague,’ said Jobling. ‘Allow me. My friend Mr Chuzzlewit. My dear friend – our chairman. Now do you know,’ he added checking himself with infinite policy, and looking round with a smile; ‘that’s a very singular instance of the force of example. It really is a very remarkable instance of the force of example. I say our chairman. Why do I say our chairman? Because he is not my chairman, you know. I have no connection with the company, farther than giving them, for a certain fee and reward, my poor opinion as a medical man, precisely as I may give it any day to Jack Noakes or Tom Styles. Then why do I say our chairman? Simply because I hear the phrase constantly repeated about me. Such is the involuntary operation of the mental faculty in the imitative biped man. Mr Crimple, I believe you never take snuff? Injudicious. You should.’
Pending these remarks on the part of the doctor, and the lengthened and sonorous pinch with which he followed them up, Jonas took a seat at the board; as ungainly a man as ever he has been within the reader’s knowledge. It is too common with all of us, but it is especially in the nature of a mean mind, to be overawed by fine clothes and fine furniture. They had a very decided influence on Jonas.
‘Now you two gentlemen have business to discuss, I know,’ said the doctor, ‘and your time is precious. So is mine; for several lives are waiting for me in the next room, and I have a round of visits to make after – after I have taken ‘em. Having had the happiness to introduce you to each other, I may go about my business. Good-bye. But allow me, Mr Montague, before I go, to say this of my friend who sits beside you: That gentleman has done more, sir,’ rapping his snuff-box solemnly, ‘to reconcile me to human nature, than any man alive or dead. Good-bye!’
With these words Jobling bolted abruptly out of the room, and proceeded in his own official department, to impress the lives in waiting with a sense of his keen conscientiousness in the discharge of his duty, and the great difficulty of getting into the Anglo-Bengalee; by feeling their pulses, looking at their tongues, listening at their ribs, poking them in the chest, and so forth; though, if he didn’t well know beforehand that whatever kind of lives they were, the Anglo-Bengalee would accept them readily, he was far from being the Jobling that his friend considered him; and was not the original Jobling, but a spurious imitation.
Mr Crimple also departed on the business of the morning; and Jonas Chuzzlewit and Tigg were left alone.
‘I learn from our friend,’ said Tigg, drawing his chair towards Jonas with a winning ease of manner, ‘that you have been thinking – ’
‘Oh! Ecod then he’d no right to say so,’ cried Jonas, interrupting. ‘I didn’t tell him my thoughts. If he took it into his head that I was coming here for such or such a purpose, why, that’s his lookout. I don’t stand committed by that.’
Jonas said this offensively enough; for over and above the habitual distrust of his character, it was in his nature to seek to revenge himself on the fine clothes and the fine furniture, in exact proportion as he had been unable to withstand their influence.
‘If I come here to ask a question or two, and get a document or two to consider of, I don’t bind myself to anything. Let’s understand that, you know,’ said Jonas.
‘My dear fellow!’ cried Tigg, clapping him on the shoulder, ‘I applaud your frankness. If men like you and I speak openly at first, all possible misunderstanding is avoided. Why should I disguise what you know so well, but what the crowd never dream of? We companies are all birds of prey; mere birds of prey. The only question is, whether in serving our own turn, we can serve yours too; whether in double-lining our own nest, we can put a single living into yours. Oh, you’re in our secret. You’re behind the scenes. We’ll make a merit of dealing plainly with you, when we know we can’t help it.’
It was remarked, on the first introduction of Mr Jonas into these pages, that there is a simplicity of cunning no less than a simplicity of innocence, and that in all matters involving a faith in knavery, he was the most credulous of men. If Mr Tigg had preferred any claim to high and honourable dealing, Jonas would have suspected him though he had been a very model of probity; but when he gave utterance to Jonas’s own thoughts of everything and everybody, Jonas began to feel that he was a pleasant fellow, and one to be talked to freely.
He changed his position in the chair, not for a less awkward, but for a more boastful attitude; and smiling in his miserable conceit rejoined:
‘You an’t a bad man of business, Mr Montague. You know how to set about it, I will say.’
‘Tut, tut,’ said Tigg, nodding confidentially, and showing his white teeth; ‘we are not children, Mr Chuzzlewit; we are grown men, I hope.’
Jonas assented, and said after a short silence, first spreading out his legs, and sticking one arm akimbo to show how perfectly at home he was,
‘The truth is – ’
‘Don’t say, the truth,’ interposed Tigg, with another grin. ‘It’s so like humbug.’
Greatly charmed by this, Jonas began again.
‘The long and the short of it is – ’
‘Better,’ muttered Tigg. ‘Much better!’
‘ – That I didn’t consider myself very well used by one or two of the old companies in some negotiations I have had with ‘em – once had, I mean. They started objections they had no right to start, and put questions they had no right to put, and carried things much too high for my taste.’
As he made these observations he cast down his eyes, and looked curiously at the carpet. Mr Tigg looked curiously at him.
He made so long a pause, that Tigg came to the rescue, and said, in his pleasantest manner:
‘Take a glass of wine.’
‘No, no,’ returned Jonas, with a cunning shake of the head; ‘none of that, thankee. No wine over business. All very well for you, but it wouldn’t do for me.’
‘What an old hand you are, Mr Chuzzlewit!’ said Tigg, leaning back in his chair, and leering at him through his half-shut eyes.
Jonas shook his head again, as much as to say, ‘You’re right there;’ And then resumed, jocosely:
‘Not such an old hand, either, but that I’ve been and got married. That’s rather green, you’ll say. Perhaps it is, especially as she’s young. But one never knows what may happen to these women, so I’m thinking of insuring her life. It is but fair, you know, that a man should secure some consolation in case of meeting with such a loss.’
‘If anything can console him under such heart-breaking circumstances,’ murmured Tigg, with his eyes shut up as before.
‘Exactly,’ returned Jonas; ‘if anything can. Now, supposing I did it here, I should do it cheap, I know, and easy, without bothering her about it; which I’d much rather not do, for it’s just in a woman’s way to take it into her head, if you talk to her about such things, that she’s going to die directly.’
‘So it is,’ cried Tigg, kissing his hand in honour of the sex. ‘You’re quite right. Sweet, silly, fluttering little simpletons!’
‘Well,’ said Jonas, ‘on that account, you know, and because offence has been given me in other quarters, I wouldn’t mind patronizing this Company. But I want to know what sort of security there is for the Company’s going on. That’s the – ’
‘Not the truth?’ cried Tigg, holding up his jewelled hand. ‘Don’t use that Sunday School expression, please!’
‘The long and the short of it,’ said Jonas. ‘The long and the short of it is, what’s the security?’
‘The paid-up capital, my dear sir,’ said Tigg, referring to some papers on the table, ‘is, at this present moment – ’
‘Oh! I understand all about paid-up capitals, you know,’ said Jonas.
‘You do?’ cried Tigg, stopping short.
‘I should hope so.’
He turned the papers down again, and moving nearer to him, said in his ear:
‘I know you do. I know you do. Look at me!’
It was not much in Jonas’s way to look straight at anybody; but thus requested, he made shift to take a tolerable survey of the chairman’s features. The chairman fell back a little, to give him the better opportunity.
‘You know me?’ he inquired, elevating his eyebrows. ‘You recollect? You’ve seen me before?’
‘Why, I thought I remembered your face when I first came in,’ said Jonas, gazing at it; ‘but I couldn’t call to mind where I had seen it. No. I don’t remember, even now. Was it in the street?’
‘Was it in Pecksniff’s parlour?’ said Tigg
‘In Pecksniff’s parlour!’ echoed Jonas, fetching a long breath. ‘You don’t mean when – ’
‘Yes,’ cried Tigg, ‘when there was a very charming and delightful little family party, at which yourself and your respected father assisted.’
‘Well, never mind him,’ said Jonas. ‘He’s dead, and there’s no help for it.’
‘Dead, is he!’ cried Tigg, ‘Venerable old gentleman, is he dead! You’re very like him.’
Jonas received this compliment with anything but a good grace, perhaps because of his own private sentiments in reference to the personal appearance of his deceased parent; perhaps because he was not best pleased to find that Montague and Tigg were one. That gentleman perceived it, and tapping him familiarly on the sleeve, beckoned him to the window. From this moment, Mr Montague’s jocularity and flow of spirits were remarkable.
‘Do you find me at all changed since that time?’ he asked. ‘Speak plainly.’
Jonas looked hard at his waistcoat and jewels; and said ‘Rather, ecod!’
‘Was I at all seedy in those days?’ asked Montague.
‘Precious seedy,’ said Jonas.
Mr Montague pointed down into the street, where Bailey and the cab were in attendance.
‘Neat; perhaps dashing. Do you know whose it is?’
‘No.’
‘Mine. Do you like this room?’
‘It must have cost a lot of money,’ said Jonas.
‘You’re right. Mine too. Why don’t you’ – he whispered this, and nudged him in the side with his elbow – ‘why don’t you take premiums, instead of paying ‘em? That’s what a man like you should do. Join us!’
Jonas stared at him in amazement.
‘Is that a crowded street?’ asked Montague, calling his attention to the multitude without.
‘Very,’ said Jonas, only glancing at it, and immediately afterwards looking at him again.
‘There are printed calculations,’ said his companion, ‘which will tell you pretty nearly how many people will pass up and down that thoroughfare in the course of a day. I can tell you how many of ‘em will come in here, merely because they find this office here; knowing no more about it than they do of the Pyramids. Ha, ha! Join us. You shall come in cheap.’
Jonas looked at him harder and harder.
‘I can tell you,’ said Tigg in his ear, ‘how many of ‘em will buy annuities, effect insurances, bring us their money in a hundred shapes and ways, force it upon us, trust us as if we were the Mint; yet know no more about us than you do of that crossing-sweeper at the corner. Not so much. Ha, ha!’
Jonas gradually broke into a smile.
‘Yah!’ said Montague, giving him a pleasant thrust in the breast; ‘you’re too deep for us, you dog, or I wouldn’t have told you. Dine with me to-morrow, in Pall Mall!’
‘I will’ said Jonas.
‘Done!’ cried Montague. ‘Wait a bit. Take these papers with you and look ‘em over. See,’ he said, snatching some printed forms from the table. ‘B is a little tradesman, clerk, parson, artist, author, any common thing you like.’
‘Yes,’ said Jonas, looking greedily over his shoulder. ‘Well!’
‘B wants a loan. Say fifty or a hundred pound; perhaps more; no matter. B proposes self and two securities. B is accepted. Two securities give a bond. B assures his own life for double the amount, and brings two friends’ lives also – just to patronize the office. Ha ha, ha! Is that a good notion?’
‘Ecod, that’s a capital notion!’ cried Jonas. ‘But does he really do it?’
‘Do it!’ repeated the chairman. ‘B’s hard up, my good fellow, and will do anything. Don’t you see? It’s my idea.’
‘It does you honour. I’m blest if it don’t,’ said Jonas.
‘I think it does,’ replied the chairman, ‘and I’m proud to hear you say so. B pays the highest lawful interest – ’
‘That an’t much,’ interrupted Jonas.
‘Right! quite right!’ retorted Tigg. ‘And hard it is upon the part of the law that it should be so confoundedly down upon us unfortunate victims; when it takes such amazing good interest for itself from all its clients. But charity begins at home, and justice begins next door. Well! The law being hard upon us, we’re not exactly soft upon B; for besides charging B the regular interest, we get B’s premium, and B’s friends’ premiums, and we charge B for the bond, and, whether we accept him or not, we charge B for “inquiries” (we keep a man, at a pound a week, to make ‘em), and we charge B a trifle for the secretary; and in short, my good fellow, we stick it into B, up hill and down dale, and make a devilish comfortable little property out of him. Ha, ha, ha! I drive B, in point of fact,’ said Tigg, pointing to the cabriolet, ‘and a thoroughbred horse he is. Ha, ha, ha!’
Jonas enjoyed this joke very much indeed. It was quite in his peculiar vein of humour.
‘Then,’ said Tigg Montague, ‘we grant annuities on the very lowest and most advantageous terms known in the money market; and the old ladies and gentlemen down in the country buy ‘em. Ha, ha, ha! And we pay ‘em too – perhaps. Ha, ha, ha!’
‘But there’s responsibility in that,’ said Jonas, looking doubtful.
‘I take it all myself,’ said Tigg Montague. ‘Here I am responsible for everything. The only responsible person in the establishment! Ha, ha, ha! Then there are the Life Assurances without loans; the common policies. Very profitable, very comfortable. Money down, you know; repeated every year; capital fun!’
‘But when they begin to fall in,’ observed Jonas. ‘It’s all very well, while the office is young, but when the policies begin to die – that’s what I am thinking of.’
‘At the first start, my dear fellow,’ said Montague, ‘to show you how correct your judgment is, we had a couple of unlucky deaths that brought us down to a grand piano.’
‘Brought you down where?’ cried Jonas.
‘I give you my sacred word of honour,’ said Tigg Montague, ‘that I raised money on every other individual piece of property, and was left alone in the world with a grand piano. And it was an upright-grand too, so that I couldn’t even sit upon it. But, my dear fellow, we got over it. We granted a great many new policies that week (liberal allowance to solicitors, by the bye), and got over it in no time. Whenever they should chance to fall in heavily, as you very justly observe they may, one of these days; then – ’ he finished the sentence in so low a whisper, that only one disconnected word was audible, and that imperfectly. But it sounded like ‘Bolt.’
‘Why, you’re as bold as brass!’ said Jonas, in the utmost admiration.
‘A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!’ cried the chairman, with a laugh that shook him from head to foot. ‘You’ll dine with me to-morrow?’
‘At what time?’ asked Jonas.
‘Seven. Here’s my card. Take the documents. I see you’ll join us!’
‘I don’t know about that,’ said Jonas. ‘There’s a good deal to be looked into first.’
‘You shall look,’ said Montague, slapping him on the back, ‘into anything and everything you please. But you’ll join us, I am convinced. You were made for it. Bullamy!’
Obedient to the summons and the little bell, the waistcoat appeared. Being charged to show Jonas out, it went before; and the voice within it cried, as usual, ‘By your leave there, by your leave! Gentleman from the board-room, by your leave!’
Mr Montague being left alone, pondered for some moments, and then said, raising his voice:
‘Is Nadgett in the office there?’
‘Here he is, sir.’ And he promptly entered; shutting the board-room door after him, as carefully as if he were about to plot a murder.
He was the man at a pound a week who made the inquiries. It was no virtue or merit in Nadgett that he transacted all his Anglo-Bengalee business secretly and in the closest confidence; for he was born to be a secret. He was a short, dried-up, withered old man, who seemed to have secreted his very blood; for nobody would have given him credit for the possession of six ounces of it in his whole body. How he lived was a secret; where he lived was a secret; and even what he was, was a secret. In his musty old pocket-book he carried contradictory cards, in some of which he called himself a coal-merchant, in others a wine-merchant, in others a commission-agent, in others a collector, in others an accountant; as if he really didn’t know the secret himself. He was always keeping appointments in the City, and the other man never seemed to come. He would sit on ‘Change for hours, looking at everybody who walked in and out, and would do the like at Garraway’s, and in other business coffee-rooms, in some of which he would be occasionally seen drying a very damp pocket-handkerchief before the fire, and still looking over his shoulder for the man who never appeared. He was mildewed, threadbare, shabby; always had flue upon his legs and back; and kept his linen so secretly buttoning up and wrapping over, that he might have had none – perhaps he hadn’t. He carried one stained beaver glove, which he dangled before him by the forefinger as he walked or sat; but even its fellow was a secret. Some people said he had been a bankrupt, others that he had gone an infant into an ancient Chancery suit which was still depending, but it was all a secret. He carried bits of sealing-wax and a hieroglyphical old copper seal in his pocket, and often secretly indited letters in corner boxes of the trysting-places before mentioned; but they never appeared to go to anybody, for he would put them into a secret place in his coat, and deliver them to himself weeks afterwards, very much to his own surprise, quite yellow. He was that sort of man that if he had died worth a million of money, or had died worth twopence halfpenny, everybody would have been perfectly satisfied, and would have said it was just as they expected. And yet he belonged to a class; a race peculiar to the City; who are secrets as profound to one another, as they are to the rest of mankind.
‘Mr Nadgett,’ said Montague, copying Jonas Chuzzlewit’s address upon a piece of paper, from the card which was still lying on the table, ‘any information about this name, I shall be glad to have myself. Don’t you mind what it is. Any you can scrape together, bring me. Bring it to me, Mr Nadgett.’
Nadgett put on his spectacles, and read the name attentively; then looked at the chairman over his glasses, and bowed; then took them off, and put them in their case; and then put the case in his pocket. When he had done so, he looked, without his spectacles, at the paper as it lay before him, and at the same time produced his pocket-book from somewhere about the middle of his spine. Large as it was, it was very full of documents, but he found a place for this one; and having clasped it carefully, passed it by a kind of solemn legerdemain into the same region as before.
He withdrew with another bow and without a word; opening the door no wider than was sufficient for his passage out; and shutting it as carefully as before. The chairman of the board employed the rest of the morning in affixing his sign-manual of gracious acceptance to various new proposals of annuity-purchase and assurance. The Company was looking up, for they flowed in gayly.
