Виктория Олеговна Рогозина
Lies of closed eyes
© Виктория Олеговна Рогозина, 2023
ISBN 978-5-0059-4625-6
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
Lies of closed eyes
An interesting story not based on real events. The characters are original and fictional. In addition to all life (and not so) horrors, the book describes an extraordinary and beautiful love story. Or maybe not.
– Prologue-
– The thought is material. Is always. Anywhere and everywhere. We are what we think, how we think and about what. What matters is HOW we think. You probably noticed that some people think completely differently. Each from the height of his flight… experience… goals… inspiration… Your judgments may not coincide, you can come to the same conclusion in different ways or disagree with the same approach.
The venerable lecturer in the cassock walked leisurely from side to side along the blackboard.
– God teaches us to love. God teaches us good. A kind, bright person does not focus on the negative side of life.
The students obediently wrote down everything in notebooks, softly squeaking with ballpoint pens and keeping the audience quiet.
“Well, why did I not sunk you like that?” – Michael looked at the slender, quiet student and remembered. Once upon a time, he also sat in the classroom, recorded lectures. Nothing changes.
– Chapter 1-
And happiness was so possible…
Seraphim in the Jewish and Christian tradition —
the highest angelic rank, closest to God.
The strongest and most powerful angels in Christianity.
Beings whose tasks were to carry out the orders of God
on earth and the fight against the forces of darkness.
The lecture turned out to be boring – it could not be a discovery, because rarely was the material given in an exciting way. Such is the usual life of a student – write down what is required and cramming in order to pass the exam in the future. As always, the teacher was not too concerned about our real learning, leaving the main (read, as most) material for independent study. I entered Moscow State University and yes, this is not the Moscow State University that you could just think of, although it was also located in the “non-rubber”, the capital of our vast beloved homeland. Magical State University was famous for constantly trying to compete with the equally famous Lemur Academy, which, alas, got the best of the best, but this competition made no sense – not the level. I had no particular talent. I could not boast of anything at all, except for a foul character and a bunch of bad habits.
The university and the dormitory were located in one of the Moscow Stalinkas. I liked to get to the roof – an amazing place far away and at the same time close to people. And there was an amazing view from there. Moscow is an eternally sleepless city, a city of lights and parties. I liked to be on the roof and watch how somewhere there, people are bustling about, like ants are scurrying about.
I moved to the “non-rubber” recently, slightly late for the start of the school year. My small town couldn’t offer any decent options other than marrying a wino “everything like people” or living on credit, which, however, would correspond to the previous point. And also give birth to kids and live a “happy” full life. But such a prospect (if it can be called a prospect at all) did not smile at me. Having spit on everything and on the principle of “take everything from life”, I took a chance to enter hardcore and, op-pa, I entered, having passed the exams with an average passing score. Fortunately, I was lucky and allocated a small room on the penultimate floor – a small closet, but extremely comfortable. And most importantly, this “solitary cell” will not have to be shared with anyone. Many expressed sympathy for me, considering for some reason that I live in inhuman conditions, but I did not share this opinion. Generally accepted opinion in general often ran counter to mine. In general, there was another room to choose from, but there I would have to share a place with three more girls, but square meters did not infringe on “personal space”. But living alone is much better.
A deafening bell rang and the students slowly gathered up, getting ready for the next class, talking among themselves, discussing the last lecture and the imminent lunch break – oh yes, holy lunch. All training was based on some very strange system, more reminiscent of the logic of a drunken gopher who visited an art gallery during Mercury retrograde. A very large block was devoted to mythology, psychology and religion of the world, which for my understanding was beyond good, evil and other living creatures. At the very first lecture, it was as if they told us the ultimate truth, like an annoying mantra, that a thought is material, that it is fulfilled and that we must do everything to translate all our thoughts into reality. Well, complete nonsense. Who can seriously believe this? If this were real, then humanity would have put an end to hostility and hunger long ago. Despite the fact that for a year now all TV channels have been broadcasting that vampires, werewolves and other evil spirits are quite real, it looked like another stage of zombification and an opportunity to blame possible “hanging” and “grouse” on otherworldly forces. And it was only recently that we survived another pandemic, and now some vampires. Well, at least “MMM” was not returned, and thanks for that.
Stumbling over the threshold, I entered the audience and, thank God, no one paid attention to me. Students communicated, filmed something on their phones in popular social networks, shared likes, boasted of followers. Someone was listening to terrible music through a speaker. A group of guys in the “gallery” played cards. Another group of students were arguing loudly, trying to decide which school was better: Lemur Academy or Whale Academy. At the moment, these are the most popular educational institutions, whose graduates become famous throughout the globe, those who are ready to bend the world, work and May for the company. Despite the fact that opinions were divided, but whatever one may say, everyone spoke positively about the Lemur Academy, although there were a great many rumors around this institution and its graduates and not all of them were unambiguous. It was more like myths and legends about free education (if I don’t forget, I’ll write such a post on my social network).
– Taylor, – Vosmyachkin sat down next to me. A kind and very gentle guy who strove for dialogue. Extrovert, in a word. Normal. Sociable, sometimes without any measure, which is why he runs into rudeness. The same person that they sing about “this guy was one of those who just love life.”
– Hello, – out of politeness, I slightly stretched my lips in a smile that tried to grow into a hyena’s grin, the inconvenience was such that a little more and reduce the jaw. I was forced to pull out one earpiece, hinting that I was not too eager to communicate, although Vosmyachkin had never been stopped by such behavior.
– Did you make matan?
– Yes.
– Wow, that’s cool. Can you explain to me the solution for the seventh, eighth, twentieth and twenty-third tasks, – he checked some notes in his notebook. – I’m not sure I made the right decision. But maybe I will find a mistake with you, and it turns out that I did everything right.
Yes, yes, he considers women more stupid than men, and in any case he tries to at least hint at this; as a maximum – poke a muzzle and hurt more. I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to convince. I don’t need it. However, I don’t need anything. Just go with the flow, detachedly observing life. I had no goals, no dreams, just a certain detachment, perhaps apathy.
– I can let you write off, but I will not explain anything. I’m not a tutor, – I offered the most painless option for myself. And then last time Vosmyachkin demanded an explanation of all thirty-two tasks and did not lag behind until they really sorted everything out. I remembered already shuddered, I would not want to repeat such an experience.
– Goes.
Shrugging my shoulders, I took out the right notebook from my backpack and gave it to my classmate.
“I’ll bring it in in the evening,” he assured with an oath, after a little screening, observing a social distance, but that’s not the point. Vosmyachkin, like the others, tried not to sit close to me, noticing that I liked solitude. I do not like being in society, but society is an integral part of our life, which is difficult to refuse in modern realities.
An iridescent bell marked the end of the break, and the students sat down together in their places, preparing to “nibble on the granite of science.” The religion of the world was taught to us by an elderly priest. Surprisingly, he could captivate students and almost immediately fell in love with everyone. Bishop Innokenty, whom the students affectionately called “Father”, taught well. Rumor has it that the director could hardly persuade the bishop to teach students, but as it turned out, it was important to carry the doctrine and the light. Batiushka never offended any of the religions, singling out each equally, emphasizing the differences. As a rule, he devoted the second part of the pair to answering the questions of students, who were specially written down on pieces of paper and left on the teacher’s table, thus the questions became anonymous. And even if some questions were repeated, he, with all his patience, gave explanations. I liked listening to him. He never lectured, never criticized, treated everyone with warm indulgence, like an older brother who loves his little sister very much. Perhaps, in our university, this is the only subject with 100% attendance.
After this couple, everyone hurried to the dining room in order to get enough of cheap coffee and energy drinks with various synthetic additives. Fortunately, the food cost mere pennies. I took a far table, located on the outskirts. I didn’t eat at lunch, preferring to just sit and listen to music. Sometimes I solved my homework, thereby saving evening time.
Sometimes I was visited by strange thoughts that frightened me, because if I turned to a specialist with this, then, most likely, I would be recognized as insane. And I tried never to remember the past. I don’t like to live in memories, because the best thing is to move forward. It doesn’t matter what was, what matters is what is now, at the moment. Does my life have any weight? I don’t know, I didn’t come to any specific conclusion. Adults say that as soon as the question of vacation or sick leave arises, you turn out to be the only and irreplaceable one. But this is a lie. Anyone can be replaced and no matter where: in love, in work, in friendship and family.
I tilted my head back, staring up at the ceiling. I was crazy about smoking. Bad, not good, bad. Yes, that’s just living in general is harmful. Sighing, I came to the conclusion that I would be patient and looked at the clock. The last couple is about to start. Psychology was taught by an elderly man, Bogdan Ereinovich, all the time humorous and citing some unrealistic examples from his own practice, thus trying to involve students in a dialogue. I didn’t like it. Very often he told how it should have been in life, but in practice, it became simply impossible. At the first, and at the second and third, the teacher’s eyes were about fifty. Lonely, still living with his mother, he constantly boasted of his unconfirmed achievements. But God is his judge, if at all Bogdan Ereinovich believed in God, and in fact it is by faith that he is rewarded.
– Everyone get ready for the colloquium next week, we’ll test your motivation to study further. Everybody’s Free.
Today we were released early. Together with the general flow of students, I left the audience. Weaving along a wide corridor, I turned to the stairs and began my “climb up the mountain.” Although there were elevators at the University, they turned out to be very small, old and extremely uncomfortable, and even in poor technical condition. Once again, I tried to walk, especially when time and strength allowed. Yes, and I was afraid to get stuck – I don’t seem to suffer from claustrophobia, but I wouldn’t want to check it.
The room greeted me with pleasant coolness and blissful silence. Closing the creaking door behind her and taking off her shoes, she threw her backpack on the floor and fell on the bed with a swing, having previously set the timer on the phone. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I was a rare gouging, sometimes I lost time. And now, in order not to fall through the whole evening and not be lazy, I kind of meditated. In fact, at such moments, there were absolutely no thoughts in my head. Ringing emptiness and eternally gray Moscow sky in the window. A little more and it will start to get dark, this is exactly what I like – Moscow, like a huge modern Babylon: great and multilingual with forever swarming ants, burns and shimmers, burning and destroying not a single hundred souls. Here, life had weight only when you could at least something to oppose society. Until now, you have been empty space. And according to this attitude, which kills like radiation, the capital could be safely compared with Chernobyl.
My body relaxed, I felt like jelly – limp, as if spreading on the bed. The amazing Vanessa Mae was playing on the headphones and I enjoyed feeling my eyelids close and I was about to fall asleep.
I shuddered sleepily from the beeping timer on my smartphone, which, unfortunately, was far enough away, and therefore protected from my sloppy actions. She grinned, realizing that she still had to get up, but… but not this minute.
Stretching sweetly, she briefly glanced out the window, through which the dim rays of the setting autumn sun were breaking through, illuminating the small cozy room of the hostel. She stretched again and sat up abruptly on the bed. Life in general does not bode well. The trill of the timer is starting to annoy, so I quickly got up, crossed the room and turned off the rather annoying melody on my smartphone.
Hands up, as if reaching out to the sky, which does not hear me, no matter how I call (figuratively speaking) the divine office, and getting up on tiptoes, I squint slightly. She glanced around her small room once more. Opposite the bed was an armchair and an adjoining table with notebooks scattered on it.
The bunk bed seemed secure. They still hoped to hook someone up with me, but so far it remained at the level of conversations. And in such conditions, other students refused to live.
Leaving the room, I reached the end of the corridor and easily climbed up the old stairs to the roof. Finally, freedom. Sitting on the very edge, legs crossed at the ankles, I took out a pack of cigarettes and lit a cigarette. Taking a puff, I slowly exhale, watching how an uneven stream, fluctuating now narrowing, then expanding, rushes into the darkening sky. The city comes alive with lights. I love this time. A huge buzzing anthill, like the All-Seeing Eye, burns, shines. Above me, a star begins to glow, erected on the very spire of the Stalinist era, illuminating my small but free area.
In total, I smoked, probably, the fourth or fifth cigarette, admiring the city. I did not like electronic cigarettes – despite the fact that they had pleasant aromas, I preferred the tart taste of tobacco. The only thing I liked about the capital. Leaning back, she lay down on the roof, but after a little thought, she got up on her elbows, looking around the surroundings with a leisurely look.
– It’s beautiful here.
By God, I almost fell off the roof when I heard an outside voice and turned around sharply. A couple of meters away from me, a guy was sitting fearlessly dangling his legs from the roof. A slightly elongated triangular face, in keeping with Korean ideals of beauty. Pale skin was emphasized by black, which was present in everything: hair color, eyes, and of course clothes. Long impeccably beautiful fingers pushed back the bangs from his forehead, and the guy looked at me with a mocking look. He could decorate any glossy magazine. In my head, the thoughts seemed to have made a somersault finally mixed up.
– Fuck yourself! – I was only able to blurt out, frankly examining this hand-written handsome man.
– I agree, I am also exalted by your invention, – his lips were touched by a sensual smile.
Well, at least with a sense of humor, not bad.
– How long have you been here?
“Not really,” he replied slowly. – The view is amazing from here.
“Yes,” I bit my lip. How did I not hear him? After thinking about it, I decided to clarify:
– Do you often come here?
He made a long pause. Throwing back his head, the guy looked with his dark eyes at the sky, as if he was looking for something specific there. His gaze clearly reflected incomprehensible sadness. Perhaps he was looking for solitude here as well as I, and now the moment is ruined.
“I do,” he said evasively. – Michaelis.
– Taylor.
We didn’t talk anymore. After staying a little longer, I returned to my place. Having had a snack with a sandwich and drinking coffee, she went to bed, feeling incomprehensibly tired.
I almost overslept in the morning. Hastily getting ready, I ran like crazy from all legs around the room, fussing and mentally bickering with myself. I flew into a couple with a bell for a fraction of a second, overtaking Ignat Arkadyevich, a teacher of philosophy. Breathing heavily, I plopped down at the desk. Vosmyachkin weakly waved his hand, greeting, I politely nodded. We sat in the same row, but at different ends of the audience.
– Open notebooks. There is little time, there is a lot of information, – the teacher, thirty years old, stately, pleasant-looking, began a quick dictation. It is already habitual. For such cases, I had a voice recorder in my smartphone, because it was unrealistic to have time to record everything. For some reason, my thoughts returned to yesterday’s strange stranger. Such a handsome man and prefers solitude. Perhaps, nevertheless, the irony of fate. It seemed to me that such people should bathe in glory, attention and universal gratitude. Yes, and there is no end to the girls for sure. Although then everything is logical – he ran away from annoying cute girls.
Nothing interesting in physical education – they swam in the pool, and then dried their hair for a long time – two hair dryers for the whole group – this is of course very little.
Higher mathematics is one of the few truly serious and useful subjects that we were taught here. The only one that I really liked and at the same time a bastard teacher is impossible. More specifically, a teacher. Young ambitious, she considered herself in the right to decide human destinies, deliberately flunking those who she did not like in exams (for objective and no reasons). There were a lot of rumors about her at Moscow State University, and unfortunately, not a single positive one. And Natalya Veniaminovna fully justified the bitchiness. For example, she despised Vosmyachkin only because he came from a small town near Vladivostok, and considered this a completely worthy and natural reason. Teacher of the year, nothing else (and – irony).
The ringing bell sent all the sufferers home.
Having cheerfully counted the steps, I pushed the iron door and went out into the street, which greeted me with freshness and incomprehensible humility, despite the fact that daytime animation reigned all around. People were in a hurry… some were in a couples to universities, some were going to school, some were going to work… others were stuck in traffic jams… But people are always in a hurry. No matter where and no matter where, they will still be late, and therefore accelerate. People exist, but life passes by.
I stuck an earpiece in my ear, and looking down at my feet, I walked in an indefinite direction. She walked slowly forward and soon turned onto a less busy street. Around the old houses, miserable low trees, beaten asphalt… But I tried not to notice it. Thoughts carried me away. I thought about how she, that is, soap, can still change her fate, is it possible and in general what to call fate.
A guy walked towards me, but I didn’t immediately pay attention to him. He was in a hurry. Passing by, he carelessly touched me with his shoulder and, not bothering to apologize, soon disappeared at the end of the street. Well, it happens. I chuckled, shrugging my shoulders, but almost immediately stopped and closed my eyes for a few seconds. Noise… noise from the next street… but it’s quiet here… I always choose this street. People rarely walked here, and therefore this street was especially appreciated.
– Taylor! – I heard from the side.
Slowly opening my brown eyes, I took a deep breath and managed a smile as I saw a nineteen-year-old boy in a camouflage uniform waving his hand invitingly. I had to get closer, though not even bothering to turn off the music or pull both headphones out of my ears. First, the music does not interfere. And secondly, so the conversation will not last long.
– Hi! What are you doing here? – the guy asked straight away.
Continuing to display the cute hyena grin, I shrugged slightly again, trying to look relaxed and at ease.
– Hello, Seryozha. I’m walking. I think go to the bookstore. And what are you doing here? Don’t you have classes?
– The drill was canceled, and so the ensign issued a leave, he needs to buy something. Didn’t expect to see you here. Haven’t you returned home!? The guy looked at me uncertainly, as if he had said something stupid.
Yes, there have been rumors.
Sergei is a good guy. He sought to communicate, was a kind and very bright person. I didn’t want to offend him, so I tried hard not to bastardize. We chatted some more and I hurried away. He’s a good guy, kind.
Perhaps he was not like everyone else. Moderately silly, moderately romantic… We met by chance. That evening, I was returning from the bookstore and, thinking, did not notice him. It was my fault that we collided. The books fell out of my hands, and I remember worrying about scratches on the spines. He excused himself by helping to collect the textbooks and left. I continued on my way, calculating how long it would take to get to the hostel, whether I would be in time for a new series of the cartoon, and whether Vosmyachkin would come with my notes. In less than a minute, the guy caught up with me and offered to meet.
I remember thinking, “Why not? New city, new acquaintances. We met. He seemed to me a rather large, well-built athletic guy, but without prominent muscle tubercles. Although with my lean (sorry, anorexic) figure, any average guy looks impressive. Dark brown hair barely peeked out from under the cap. The brown eyes were kind. We didn’t talk for long then either. He walked me to the hostel, helped me bring my main treasure – books. Sergei was funny. He talked a lot… entertained… Then he asked for a phone number. I don’t know, I usually don’t give such information, but this time for some reason I acted against my own rules. After saying goodbye, we parted, each to his own business, each in his own direction.
Arriving home, I went about my usual business – studying, studying and studying again. And then smoke on the roof, because it’s early to sleep, and before going to bed I read a book.
So today, nothing has changed in my actions. Everything as usual. No variety. I talked with Sergei, went to the store, bought another textbook and returned to the hostel, sitting down for lessons.
Vosmyachkin tumbled in without warning or a declaration of war, wanting to return the notes and also chat. So the evening passed after a peaceful conversation about nothing.
