Владарг Дельсат
Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet
Fiancé
We didn’t come to a cemetery but to a house. At the house, a woman met us, not like the one who came to the ward, but a very different one. She was kind. She said her name was Ms. Elsa, but I could call her… mother. I cried again because I got Mother, a real one, can you imagine? And the one I called Mr. Death turned out to be Dad. And the curly-haired boy’s name was Herman. I was definitely in a fairytale because that couldn’t have happened to me.
«Do you want us to adopt you?» my new dad asked me.
«Can I not be adopted?» I asked and explained immediately, «Well, not for real because I could pretend that Herman was my fiancé and I would have a future.»
Dad smiled, and the boy (he heard what I said too) seemed to be on the verge of tears.
«Do you need a fiancé for the future?» Mother smiled.
«Well, if there is a fiancé,» I shared my thoughts, «Then one day there will be a family… I know I’m going to die anyway, but just for fun, can I?»
My mother cried and allowed it, and Herman hugged me and told me how good I was. It got so warm, it was impossibly good. I had no words at all, only tears. I cried a lot that day, more than I think I had cried in my whole life.
At lunch, it turned out that I had little willpower, and the pain made the tears flow. Dad even scolded me a little.
«You mustn’t tolerate pain,» he said while caressing me. «If it hurts, you have to tell me.»
I was ready for Daddy to take the belt, but he caressed and scolded me so gently that I wanted to cry again.
«Aren’t you going to give me to a psychiatrist?» I asked because… well… «No psychiatrist, please.»
«Poor baby,» my mother hugged me. «What have you been through…»
«No one will give you to a psychiatrist.»
I noticed that those words made Herman look very pale. He must have been afraid of that liar too. Dad told me that he would help me stop the pain. And I believed it, of course. Then, Herman took the spoon from my trembling hands and began to feed me like a baby. I didn’t want to eat, but I had to be obedient…
«Let’s eat some more,» the boy told me. «Then, you can rest while I do my homework»
«Can I come too?» I asked him as piteously as I could, and my «fiancé» agreed.
Herman didn’t mind being a fiancé at all. I even asked him why, and he answered:
«You’re a miracle,» he said and caressed my head so tenderly that I squeezed my eyes shut in pleasure.
Oh, I forgot! It turned out that I was ten years old and almost a year away from the dreaded academy. And I didn’t look like Mariana in the mirror, not at all. So I definitely died and became a new person. Someone wrote about this in some books, I don’t remember the name. The academy was in the book, so I thought: if the surnames are the same, then I’m in the book, right?
Herman got down to his lessons, and I rolled closer: not to distract him, but to be busy with something. He put the history book in front of me and told me not to distract him. So I was reading the story without distracting him and imagining that if I had distracted him, he would have been very upset, and I didn’t want to upset my «fiancé», even if it was just for fun. Herman was doing his exercises and was upset because something was wrong. I looked in his notebook and almost immediately saw that he had mixed up the minus in the beginning with the plus. I used to make that mistake too, that’s why I noticed it. I was sitting and worrying about it, and Herman was worrying too, so I couldn’t resist it.
«Herman,» I called him softly and touched his sleeve. «May I disturb you, and later you can beat me up for it?»
«Oh…» The boy was angry at first, but then, when he heard what I was suggesting, he just hugged me and held me tight. «You little kitten.» It was so tender that I sobbed. «What’s wrong with my dear one?»
Herman was so much older than me, wise, so kind, and affectionate… I just couldn’t help crying.
«You’ve mixed up the minus with the plus here,» I pointed out cautiously and immediately squeezed my eyes shut in fear.
«Thank you, kitten,» the boy thanked me softly and stroked my eyes so that they opened. Somehow he wasn’t angry with me at all, even though I disturbed him.
Then, he quickly finished his homework and started asking me about history – well, about what I had read. Somewhere in the middle, I got scared for some reason, and Herman somehow sensed it and stopped asking me questions, although I expected him to scold me because I’d forgotten half of it. But my «fiancé» somehow figured it out, put the book down, hugged me, then put me to bed and wanted to leave, but I gave him such a pitiful look that he stayed.
* * *
At dinner, I couldn’t eat on my own again, so Herman fed me and Dad was frowning for some reason. I got a little scared. If it hadn’t been for the nappy, I probably would have peed myself, but Dad had thought of everything, and I just… well… Daddy said that a lot of people pee after a ca-the-ter and it’s no big deal, the nappy was just to make me feel comfortable and prevent me from crying. It was so weird that someone would care about me. Dad also said that he would think of some ways to help me, and I was a little afraid.
When I was Mariana, I was usually punished in the evenings, so this evening, without a reminder, I rolled to Dad and climbed to his lap with my belly so that he could punish me because I was guilty of many things.
Dad didn’t even understand what I was doing. He was silent and only held me with his hands to keep me from falling.
«What are you doing, little girl?» Mother asked.
«Well, I’ve done something wrong today,» I explained, trying to catch my breath. «So I need to be punished»
As I looked around, I saw Herman’s big eyes. He was very surprised but I didn’t understand why.
«What did you do wrong?» Mum asked, showing something to Daddy.
He lifted me and laid me on his lap. I raised my skirt myself but I couldn’t move my panties, I mean, my nappy.
«Well, I distracted Herman, then I couldn’t eat on my own, and then…» I started speaking more and more quietly because I was getting scared again. «Also, I failed to answer some questions…»
«Herman?» Mother called out.
«Rie helped me with an exercise. And the fact that she didn’t remember everything from the history book… No one expected her to,» the ’fiancé» explained.
From the beginning, he immediately started calling me «Rie’ instead of «Gabriella’, and I didn’t mind because it sounded very gentle. I couldn’t see what Herman was doing now.
«Daughter, do you want to be punished?» Dad finally spoke up and caressed my back. «Or do you just think you’ll be punished anyway?»
«Being punished makes me breathe easier and I’m not so scared,» I admitted. Well, what if he chased me away?
«Are you afraid of pain?»
Dad, of course, felt that I was shrinking, so he also patted me on the head.
«That someone will chase me away,» I answered quietly.
It was a pity I couldn’t see their faces in my position.
Then, my dad put me back in the chair. He got up and went away, then came back with a stethoscope (this is a tool with two tubes that helps to listen to your chest).
«No one will ever chase you away,» Mother said sternly. «You are our daughter forever, remember?»
«Yes,» I nodded, which made my eyes dim. «So what about the punishment?»
«You haven’t deserved it yet,» Dad murmured thoughtfully, listening to something. «I think it’s a restriction3, but why?»
«It depends on the anamnesis4,» Mother said unclearly.
She got up, came to me, squatted down, and hugged me. I felt so warm that I relaxed completely.
«Do you know where you lived?»
«I don’t know exactly, but I think it was a pantry,» I answered what I had read in books when I was Mariana.
Mother’s eyes got larger, and Herman started to look like an owl. He stared at me without even blinking, and then he hugged me promising that no one would ever touch me again.
Dad went somewhere and came back with a big blue cylinder. It turned out to be medical oxygen. They put a mask on my face, and my breathing immediately became very easy, and Dad just sighed. Also, they put some kind of a… peg on my finger5. It glowed red, and my dad looked at the little screen and stroked his head. Then, Mum was talking to me for a long time, asking me why I thought I was going to die. So I told her everything I knew. Then they washed me and put me to bed with my mask, peg, and device. It was a bit sad to part with Herman, but I hoped to wake up tomorrow.
While I was asleep, I was having some completely magical dreams and, for the first time, I didn’t want to die. I saw adult Herman putting a ring on my finger and calling me his dear one. It’s a pity it was only a dream…
Price
Elsa sat next to Gerhardt, telling him what she had learned from Gabriella. Herman honestly eavesdropped. First of all, he was curious. Then, the girl who called him «fiancé» touched some strings in his soul, which made him want to understand the situation. Herman didn’t know any other way to get information, so he lurked behind the sofa listening to his parents’ conversation – something he had never done before.
«Ehlers-Danlos syndrome 6 ,» the man repeated after his wife thoughtfully. «And a high-intensity pain syndrome, because she did everything despite the pain. We have to figure out how to relieve it.»
«The easiest solution is to ask your colleagues,» his wife smiled.
Elsa saw both Gabriella’s pain and the «delay’ 7 in her age which indicated a very difficult life of the child, but she had faith in her husband. The former sadistic caretakers were already being dealt with by the police and psychiatrists. The police also visited the girl’s school and found numerous irregularities there.
At that point, Herman couldn’t take it anymore.
«Daddy, when Rie nods, she has syncope 8 ,» the boy shared his observations.
«Yes, we should have a look at the neck,» Gerhardt nodded and gave his son a sign to approach. «How do you feel about becoming a ’fiancé»?»
«She really needs this, Dad,» Herman replied seriously. «And it’s impossible not to love Gabriella. Let her call me her husband as long as she lives.»
There was so much tenderness in this phrase that Elsa looked intently at her son and smiled again.
«Then, I’ll study some literature and ask my colleagues,» Dr. Stiller decided. «Until we figure out how to relieve Gabriella’s condition, we’ll treat her like a five-year-old – with the greatest tenderness and care. Also, we will have to decide about the oxygen… In the morning, we will take the girl to the hospital and look for it.»
«The important thing is that she doesn’t think about betrayal,» the woman said quietly. «She already thinks she won’t live for long…»
* * *
I woke up in the hospital again. How did I know that? By the smell and the squeaking next to me. I thought that I must be dead again… I wondered if I was still Frau Schmidt or if my name was different now. When I opened my eyes, I saw Herman. He was sitting next to me and caressing my head. So, the Stillers hadn’t been taken away from me. It made me feel some warmth. My «fiancé» noticed that my eyes were open, leaned over, and kissed them as much as he could with his mask on.
«You gave us a scare today, kitten,» Herman said. He did it very affectionately, by the way. «I’ll get Daddy now, and then we’ll go home, eh?»
«Yes,» I whispered, catching his hand. «Can I… have you by my side?»
Maybe he didn’t want to stay, and I was forcing him to? But I needed it so much – there were no words to describe it!
«Of course, I’ll be there for you because you’re my fiancée.»
He said this word as if it were real, not fake. It made me want to cry again.
«I love you,» I told him.
The «fiancé» just smiled and replied that everything would be fine. I believed him because it was Herman.
A little later, they sucked the blood out of me, and then they fed me and started taking me for X-rays and putting me into such a big ring that was loud and scary. Strangely, it felt like I had become very small. I hoped it would pass, although I didn’t want it to. Dad brought a special collar, put it around my neck, and told me not to take it off or it would be very bad. But I decided to be obedient, didn’t I? So I told Daddy I was obedient, even though I couldn’t nod now. But it was easier to breathe, even when the mask was removed to feed me. Herman fed me because I was his kitten, he said so himself. It was so warm to be someone else’s…
After that, we drove home. Herman said we would sleep together now because we were the bride and groom, but I figured out why. If the caretakers hit hard, there might be nightmares at night, and waking up in the hospital every day would be bad for anyone. And I didn’t want Mum and Dad to get bored… And I didn’t want Herman to get bored… Because I probably wouldn’t be able to make it without him. How little time had passed, and he’d already become dearer to me than anything else. Why was it like that? I didn’t know…
«Well, kitten, let me help you.»
My fiancé was probably not pretending anymore, even if he didn’t choose me, but I would just believe it because you have to believe in something – he’s very affectionate, and I’m not shy of him, there’s nothing to be shy of…
«You’re wonderful,» I told him, and he kissed my tummy because Herman was putting my nappy on. We were on our way home. «Aren’t you disgusted at all?»
«And whoever talks nonsense will have a pain in the bottom,» my fiancé smiled at me.
«I agree,» I smiled because I really would agree with anything if it was him. Herman just hugged me, making me feel warm again.
At home, I was positioned in a chair. It turned out that I was breathing normally with the collar, and I wasn’t afraid, and they wouldn’t take it off for the night, of course, so that I could sleep sweetly. While Herman was off somewhere, I started distracting Mother Elsa with my silly talk. Mother put aside whatever she was doing and listened to me.
«Herman is suddenly the most important thing to me,» I said. «And I’ll do anything if it’s him, and I don’t know why…»
«Imprinting,» Mother said unclearly, and then she explained, «You had no one, and now you have a family. You want stability inside, so that’s what happened. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t be frightened.»
«I’m not scared, because it’s Herman. Everything he does is right.»
My mother shook her head and handed me back to her son who had returned, and I… clung to him. In the evening, Dad said that Herman would be home for a while, too, because… Turned out I was important… I didn’t understand at all how it was that I was suddenly important. It made me want to cry again. I must be a crybaby.
* * *
Dad brought some things that he put on my hands. They wrapped around my wrists, so they didn’t bend as easily anymore, but they almost stopped hurting with every movement. It was such a joy! I also got my special toothbrush and special fork and spoons. It was scary at first but then…
«Why are you crying?»
Herman seemed to be scared for me, I was now crying with joy because I could do it myself.
«I can… Do you understand? I can do it!» I really could eat on my own, although not quickly, but I could. And for the first time today, I brushed my teeth without pain. «I love you all so much!»
This confession was the real truth because my parents worked a miracle. Whether there is magic in the world or not, they did real magic: from that day, I was not helpless.
«We love you too,» Mum said smiling at me, and Dad was chewing, so he was quiet, but he agreed with Mum, I could see that.
This was the happiest day of my life. I could do something on my own and I was loved.
Herman started tutoring me, gradually teaching me that it was possible to learn. The hardest thing was writing, but my father worked something out and I got special pens. From that moment, I was able to write without pain, although my hands still got very tired, so I studied German slowly. Herman said that I shouldn’t get too tired and that I shouldn’t force myself, and I obeyed because I was Herman.
The days went by and I was getting used to this life. Teachers started coming to our house. They praised me a lot, but it turned out that I could not study without oxygen for a long time. Dad was solving this problem, and I… I had Herman and oxygen, so I studied as hard as I could. At night, my fiancé slept in the same bed with me. For some reason, I no longer woke up in the hospital but only on his shoulder. My fiancé didn’t mind at all, he just made sure I didn’t die at night, and I didn’t die because I was obedient.
They wouldn’t let me go to school, and I couldn’t study without Herman because I cried. Without him, one-on-one with a teacher, it was very scary. I don’t know what the past Gabriella died of, but I couldn’t resist this because even the kindest teachers seemed like monsters from a fairytale.
One day a man in a nice uniform that said ’police’ came to Daddy’s house. The man talked to Dad for a long time, and after that, Herman almost never left me.
«Herman, I have a confession to make…»
Yes, I dared to tell him that I used to be Mariana. It was very, very scary to tell, but it was Herman. If he had chased me away, then I would have died and it would all be over, although it was a shame, because, for the first time, I had a family that loved me. And the wheelchair is a small price to pay for warmth and affection.
«What is it, my little kitten?»
My fiancé saw how hard it was for me, so he began to calm me and explained that I didn’t have to say anything if it was so difficult.
But I had to and I told him, and he just smiled sadly, stroking my head. And then I told him about the books and what they said. And Herman hugged me and told me that everything would be all right, that we had parents, and the parents had friends, and there was also our country that just wouldn’t let us all get hurt. And I believed him.
