Мольер (Жан-Батист Поклен)
The Blunderer
SCENE IX. – LEANDER, MASCARILLE
MASC. (Speaking these words within, and then coming on the stage). Oh! oh! Help! Murder! Help! They are killing me! Oh! oh! oh! oh! Traitor! Barbarian!
LEAND. Whence comes that noise? What is the matter? What are they doing to you?
MASC. He has just given me two hundred blows with a cudgel.
LEAND. Who?
MASC. Lelio.
LEAND. And for what reason?
MASC. For a mere trifle he has turned me away and beats me most unmercifully.
LEAND. He is really much to blame.
MASC. But, I swear, if ever it lies in my power I will be revenged on him. I will let you know, Mr. Thrasher, with a vengeance, that people's bones are not to be broken for nothing! Though I am but a servant, yet I am a man of honour. After having been in your service for four years you shall not pay me with a switch, nor affront me in so sensible a part as my shoulders! I tell you once more, I shall find a way to be revenged! You are in love with a certain slave, you would fain induce me to get her for you, but I will manage matters so that somebody else shall carry her off; the deuce take me if I don't!
LEAND. Hear me, Mascarille, and moderate your passion. I always liked you, and often wished that a young fellow, faithful and clever like you, might one day or other take a fancy to enter my service. In a word, if you think my offer worthy of acceptance, and if you have a mind to serve me, from this moment I engage you.
MASC. With all my heart, sir, and so much the rather because good fortune in serving you offers me an opportunity of being revenged, and because in my endeavours to please you I shall at the same time punish that wretch. In a word, by my dexterity, I hope to get Celia for…
LEAND. My love has provided already for that. Smitten by a faultless fair one, I have just now bought her for less than her value.
MASC. What! Celia belongs to you, then?
LEAND. You should see her this minute, if I were the master of my own actions. But alas! it is my father who is so; since he is resolved, as I understand by a letter brought me, to make me marry Hippolyta. I would not have this affair come to his knowledge lest it should exasperate him. Therefore in my arrangement with Trufaldin (from whom I just now parted), I acted purposely in the name of another. When the affair was settled, my ring was chosen as the token, on the sight of which Trufaldin is to deliver Celia. But I must first arrange the ways and means to conceal from the eyes of others the girl who so much charms my own, and then find some retired place where this lovely captive may be secreted.
MASC. A little way out of town lives an old relative of mine, whose house I can take the freedom to offer you; there you may safely lodge her, and not a creature know anything of the matter.
LEAND. Indeed! so I can: you have delighted me with the very thing I wanted. Here, take this, and go and get possession of the fair one. As soon as ever Trufaldin sees my ring, my girl will be immediately delivered into your hands. You can then take her to that house, when… But hist! here comes Hippolyta.
SCENE X. – HIPPOLYTA, LEANDER, MASCARILLE
HIPP. I have some news for you, Leander, but will you be pleased or displeased with it?
LEAND. To judge of that, and make answer off-hand, I should know it.
HIPP. Give me your hand, then, as far as the church, and I will tell it you as we go.
[Footnote: Generally it was thought preferable, during Molière's lifetime, to use the word temple for "church," instead of église.]
LEAND. (To Mascarille). Go, make haste, and serve me in that business without delay.
SCENE XI. – MASCARILLE, alone
Yes, I will serve you up a dish of my own dressing. Was there ever in the world so lucky a fellow. How delighted Lelio will be soon! His mistress to fall into our hands by these means! To derive his whole happiness from the man he would have expected to ruin him! To become happy by the hands of a rival! After this great exploit, I desire that due preparations be made to paint me as a hero crowned with laurel, and that underneath the portrait be inscribed in letters of gold: Vivat Mascarillus, rogum imperator.
SCENE XII. – TRUFALDIN, MASCARILLE
MASC. Soho, there!
TRUF. What do you want?
MASC. This ring, which you know, will inform you what business brings me hither.
TRUF. Yes, I recognise that ring perfectly; stay a little, I will fetch you the slave.
SCENE XIII. – TRUFALDIN, A MESSENGER, MASCARILLE
MESS. (To Trufaldin). Do me the favor, sir, to tell me where lives a gentleman…
TRUF. What gentleman?
MESS. I think his name is Trufaldin.
TRUF. And what is your business with him, pray? I am he.
MESS. Only to deliver this letter to him.
TRUF. (Reads). "Providence, whose goodness watches over my life, has just brought to my ears a most welcome report, that my daughter, who was stolen from me by some robbers when she was four years old, is now a slave at your house, under the name of Celia. If ever you knew what it was to be a father, and if natural affection makes an impression on your heart, then keep in your house this child so dear to me, and treat her as if she were your own flesh and blood. I am preparing to set out myself in order to fetch her. You shall be so well rewarded for your trouble, that in everything that relates to your happiness (which I am determined to advance) you shall have reason to bless the day in which you caused mine."
DON PEDRO DE GUSMAN, From Madrid. Marquess of MONTALCANA
Though the gipsies can be seldom believed, yet they who sold her to me told me she would soon be fetched by somebody, and that I should have no reason to complain. Yet here I was going, all through my impatience, to lose the fruits of a great expectation. (To the Messenger). Had you come but one moment later, your journey would have been in vain; I was going, this very instant, to give the girl up into this gentleman's hands; but it is well, I shall take great care of her. (Exit Messenger). (To Mascarille). You yourself have heard what this letter says, so you may tell the person who sent you that I cannot keep my word, and that he had better come and receive his money back.
MASC. But the way you insult him…
TRUF. Go about your business, and no more words.
MASC. (Alone). Oh, what a curse that this letter came now! Fate is indeed against me. What bad luck for this messenger to come from Spain when he was not wanted! May thunder and hail go with him! Never, certainly, had so happy a beginning such a sad ending in so short a time.
SCENE XIV. – LELIO laughing, MASCARILLE
MASC. What may be the cause of all this mirth?
LEL. Let me have my laugh out before I tell you.
MASC. Let us laugh then heartily, we have abundant cause so to do.
LEL. Oh! I shall no longer be the object of your expostulations: you who always reproach me shall no longer say that I am marrying all your schemes, like a busy-body as I am. I myself have played one of the cleverest tricks in the world. It is true I am quick-tempered, and now and then rather too hasty; but yet, when I have a mind to it, I can plan as many tricks as any man alive; even you shall own that what I have done shows an amount of sharpness rarely to be met with.
MASC. Let us hear what tricks you have invented.
LEL. Just now, being terribly frightened on seeing Trufaldin along with my rival, I was casting about to find a remedy for that mischief, when, calling all my invention to my aid, I conceived, digested, and perfected a stratagem, before which all yours, however vain you may be of them, ought undoubtedly to lower their colours.
MASC. But what may this be?
LEL. May it please you to have a little patience. Without much delay I invented a letter, written by an imaginary nobleman to Trufaldin, setting forth that, having fortunately heard that a certain slave, who lives in the latter's house, and is named Celia, was this grandee's daughter formerly kidnapped by thieves, it was his intention to come and fetch her; and he entreats him at least to keep her and take great care of her; for, that on her account he was setting out from Spain, and would acknowledge his civility by such handsome presents, that he should never regret being the means of making him happy.
MASC. Mighty well.
LEL. Hear me out; here is something much cleverer still. The letter I speak of was delivered to him, but can you imagine how? Only just in time, for the messenger told me, had it not been for this droll device, a fellow, who looked very foolish, was waiting to carry her off that identical moment.
MASC. And you did all this without the help of the devil?
LEL. Yes. Would you have believed me capable of such a subtle piece of wit? At least praise my skill, and the dexterity with which I have utterly disconcerted the scheme of my rival.
MASC. To praise you as you deserve, I lack eloquence; and feel unequal to the task. Yes, sufficiently to commend this lofty effort, this fine stratagem of war achieved before our eyes, this grand and rare effect of a mind which plans as many tricks as any man, which for smartness yields to none alive, my tongue wants words. I wish I had the abilities of the most refined scholars, so that I might tell you in the noblest verse, or else in learned prose, that you will always be, in spite of everything that may be done, the very same you have been all your life; that is to say, a scatter-brain, a man of distempered reason, always perplexed, wanting common sense, a man of left-handed judgment, a meddler, an ass, a blundering, hare-brained, giddy fellow, – what can I think of? A… a hundred times worse than anything I can say. This is only an abridgement of your panegyric.
LEL. Tell me, what puts you in such a passion with me? Have I done anything? Clear up this matter.
MASC. No, you have done nothing at all; but do not come after me.
LEL. I will follow you all over the world to find out this mystery.
MASC. Do so. Come on, then; get your legs in order, I shall give you an opportunity to exercise them.
LEL. (Alone). He has got away from me! O misfortune which cannot be allayed! What am I to understand by his discourse? And what harm can I possibly have done to myself?
ACT III
SCENE I. – MASCARILLE, alone
[Footnote: Compare Launcelot Gobbo's speech about his conscience in Shakspeare's Merchant of Venice (ii. 2).]
Silence, my good nature, and plead no more; you are a fool, and I am determined not to do it. Yes, my anger, you are right, I confess it! To be for ever doing what a meddler undoes, is showing too much patience, and I ought to give it up after the glorious attempts he has marred. But let us argue the matter a little without passion; if I should now give way to my just impatience the world will say I sank under difficulties, that my cunning was completely exhausted. What then becomes of that public esteem, which extols you everywhere as a first-rate rogue, and which you have acquired upon so many occasions, because you never yet were found wanting in inventions? Honour, Mascarille, is a fine thing; do not pause in your noble labours; and whatever a master may have done to incense you, complete your work, for your own glory, and not to oblige him. But what success can you expect, if you are thus continually crossed by your evil genius? You see he compels you every moment to change your tone; you may as well hold water in a sieve as try to stop that resistless torrent, which in a moment overturns the most beautiful structures raised by your art. Well, once more, out of kindness, and whatever may happen, let us take some pains, even if they are in vain; yet, if he still persists in baffling my designs, then I shall withdraw all assistance. After all, our affairs are not going on badly, if we could but supplant our rival, and if Leander, at last weary of his pursuit, would leave us one whole day for my intended operations. Yes, I have a most ingenious plot in my head, from which I expect a glorious success, if I had no longer that obstacle in my way. Well, let us see if he still persists in his love.
SCENE II. – LEANDER, MASCARILLE
MASC. Sir, I have lost my labour; Trufaldin will not keep his word.
LEAND. He himself has told me the whole affair; but, what is more, I have discovered that all this pretty rigmarole about Celia being carried off by gypsies, and having a great nobleman for her father, who is setting out from Spain to come hither, is nothing but a mere stratagem, a merry trick, a made-up story, a tale raised by Lelio to prevent my buying Celia.
MASC. Here is roguery for you!
LEAND. And yet this ridiculous story has produced such an impression on Trufaldin, and he has swallowed the bait of this shallow device so greedily, that he will not allow himself to be undeceived.
MASC. So that henceforth he will watch her carefully. I do not see we can do anything more.
LEAND. If at first I thought this girl amiable, I now find her absolutely adorable, and I am in doubt whether I ought not to employ extreme measures to make her my own, thwart her ill fortune by plighting her my troth, and turn her present chains into matrimonial ones.
MASC. Would you marry her?
LEAND. I am not yet determined, but if her origin is somewhat obscure, her charms and her virtue are gentle attractions, which have incredible force to allure every heart.
MASC. Did you not mention her virtue?
LEAND. Ha! what is that you mutter? Out with it; explain what you mean by repeating that word "virtue."
MASC. Sir, your countenance changes all of a sudden; perhaps I had much better hold my tongue.
LEAND. No, no, speak out.
MASC. Well, then, out of charity I will cure you of your blindness. That girl…
LEAND. Proceed.
MASC. So far from being merciless, makes no difficulty in obliging some people in private; you may believe me, after all she is not stony-hearted, to any one who knows how to take her in the right mood. She looks demure, and would fain pass for a prude; but I can speak of her on sure grounds. You know I understand something of the craft, and ought to know that kind of cattle.
LEAND. What! Celia?..
MASC. Yes, her modesty is nothing but a mere sham, the semblance of a virtue which will never hold out, but vanishes, as any one may discover, before the shining rays emitted from a purse.
[Footnote: This is an allusion to the rays of the sun, placed above the crown, and stamped on all golden crown-pieces, struck in France from Louis XI. (November 2, 1475) until the end of the reign of Louis XIII. These crowns were called écus au soleil. Louis XIV. took much later for his device the sun shining in full, with the motto, Nec pluribus impar.]
LEAND. Heavens! What do you tell me? Can I believe such words?
MASC. Sir, there is no compulsion; what does it matter to me? No, pray do not believe me, follow your own inclination, take the sly girl and marry her; the whole city, in a body, will acknowledge this favour; you marry the public good in her.
LEAND. What a strange surprise!
MASC. (Aside). He has taken the bait. Courage, my lad; if he does but swallow it in good earnest, we shall have got rid of a very awkward obstruction on our path.
LEAND. This astonishing account nearly kills me.
MASC. What! Can you…
LEAND. Go to the post-office, and see if there is a letter for me. (Alone, and for a while lost in thought). Who would not have been imposed upon? If what he says be true then there never was any countenance more deceiving.
SCENE III. – LELIO, LEANDER
LEL. What may be the cause of your looking so sad?
LEAND. Who, I?
LEL. Yes, yourself.
LEAND. I have, however, no occasion to be so.
LEL. I see well enough what it is; Celia is the cause of it.
LEAND. My mind does not run upon such trifles.
LEL. And yet you had formed some grand scheme to get her into your hands; but you must speak thus, as your stratagem has miscarried.
LEAND. Were I fool enough to be enamoured of her, I should laugh at all your finesse.
LEL. What finesse, pray?
LEAND. Good Heavens! sir, we know all.
LEL. All what?
LEAND. All your actions, from beginning to end.
LEL. This is all Greek to me; I do not understand one word of it.
LEAND. Pretend, if you please, not to understand me; but believe me, do not apprehend that I shall take a property which I should be sorry to dispute with you. I adore a beauty who has not been sullied, and do not wish to love a depraved woman.
LEL. Gently, gently, Leander.
LEAND. Oh! how credulous you are! I tell you once more, you may attend on her now without suspecting anybody. You may call yourself a lady-killer. It is true, her beauty is very uncommon, but, to make amends for that, the rest is common enough.
LEL. Leander, no more of this provoking language. Strive against me as much as you like in order to obtain her; but, above all things, do not traduce her so vilely. I should consider myself a great coward if I could tamely submit to hear my earthly deity slandered. I can much better bear your rivalry than listen to any speech that touches her character.
LEAND. What I state here I have from very good authority.
LEL. Whoever told you so is a scoundrel and a rascal. Nobody can discover the least blemish in this young lady; I know her heart well.
LEAND. But yet Mascarille is a very competent judge in such a cause; he thinks her guilty.
LEL. He?
LEAND. He himself.
LEL. Does he pretend impudently to slander a most respectable young lady, thinking, perhaps, I should only laugh at it? I will lay you a wager he eats his words.
LEAND. I will lay you a wager he does not.
LEL. 'Sdeath! I would break every bone in his body should he dare to assert such lies to me,
LEAND. And I will crop his ears, if he does not prove every syllable he has told me.
