Nikolay Lakutin
The teacher. A play for 4 people. Comedy
Sanek. So tell me. Will a scarecrow in love with you and looking at you the same way suit you?
Victor. Unlikely. But I would not like to go to extremes in this matter. I don't need the most beautiful girl on the planet, but I don't think the scariest one is my option either. Something in between, most importantly, adequate. There are a lot of details, and even though you meet them by their clothes, you still draw conclusions based on completely different parameters.
Anna leaves the room, noting Victor's words for herself.
Sanek. Oh, Victor. You've become quite a philosopher. It looks like it's bad.
Victor. Okay, about me. How are you? Got married?
Sanek. Just…
Victor. But what about it?
Sanek. And why?
Sanek makes sure that Anna is not around.
Sanek (a little quieter). I'm fine as it is. There's a girl, there's a car. Mom, God grant you health, not eternal, the hut will be mine. Everything is fine, everything is as it should be.
Victor. M… well…
Sanek. I'm thinking! Everything is fine, I'm not complaining!
Anna returns again, does the housework again, trying not to distract herself too much.
Victor. Okay, thanks for pointing out the menu. I'll take everything into account, I'll take everything. When, where and at what time – we will discuss everything in the group in WhatsApp, we will connect it. Let's decide.
Victor gets up from his seat again. His phone rings. He picks up the phone.
Victor (to Sanka and Anna). Sorry. (Into the phone). Hello? Hello, Nastya. I'm a little busy right now, it's not very convenient to talk. What happened? Thomas is being naughty. What do I have to do with it? You're a mother. There is a father. Sort it out. You don't know who to complain to… So, who should complain? There is no one. You decide for yourself. Hello? Two don't cry, Lord… Nastya? (To Sanka and Anna). Sorry. (Into the phone). Sis, what are you doing? Yes, it will work out, he's not a fool with you. I know it's the wrong company. Contacted, yes. It's bad, I agree, but remember what companies you and I used to work in? We jumped off in time, and yours will come to its senses. Oh, well, give it here. (Pause). Hello, you idiot. What's up? Is it okay? And your mom says it's not okay. So, what about in more detail?
Victor listens to his nephew's story.
Sanek (to Anna, softly). His nephew is a bad boy, as I understand it. It didn't spread much, but it kind of did. Things are not very good there. There is no sweetness. Also a foreigner, a little bit. Although no, it's okay to be a foreigner, but Russified.
Anna (to Sanka, softly). And how old is he?
Sanek (to Anna, softly). Fifteen, I think.
Victor (continuing the conversation on the phone). Oh, Thomas, I don't know what to tell you. It's clear that friends, the situation is clear, but where it all drags you, you see everything yourself.
Anna (to Victor). Can I talk to a guy?
Victor frowns. He doesn't really understand what Anna is going to talk about with his nephew.
Anna (to Victor). Let's see what happens. It won't get any worse. Probably.
Victor (into the phone). Thomas, a friend of mine wants to talk to you here. You don't mind?
Victor is surprised, but gives the phone to Anna.
Anna (into the phone). Hello, hello. (To Victor). What's the boy's name?
Victor. Thomas.
Victor and Sanka look at each other in surprise.
Anna (into the phone). Thomas, my name is Aunt Anya. Please forgive me for intruding into your conversation with Uncle Vitya. He's your uncle, right? Yeah. I got it I just heard out of the corner of my ear that you have some kind of grating with your parents there, right? No, no, you're absolutely right, it's none of my business and it doesn't concern me at all, it's just that maybe I have a suggestion that you might be interested in. (Pause). Hello? Are you still here? What's the offer? Hm… Well, listen. I have a very cool girl living in the next doorway. She's fourteen, but her breasts are already bigger than mine. She's still alone, I can introduce her if you want. Do you want to? Great. Not a question. Just let's agree that you obey your parents, try to do less stupid things and think more with your head, like now. You've made your own decision now, right? And well done. An adult, serious decision. The right one, in my opinion. It's just that life goes fast enough, you won't have time to look back and you're eighteen! That's it! My own life. It will be too late to rebuild. You need to become an adult now. Look! Come on, let's do this, I'll call you in a week and if your situation changes, I'll introduce you to Julia. Yes, Julia is that girl. How do you like the idea? That's it, then they clogged up! I'll dial it. So no. How am I going to dial you? Will you give me the number? Come on, I'm writing it down. No, wait. (He runs to the locker, takes a pen and a piece of paper). Yeah, I'm writing. (He writes it down.) That's it, I wrote it down. It's decided, before the connection.
Anna puts down the phone, looks at the crookedly smiling men.
Victor. Why didn't you invite me to meet a neighbor? Maybe I want to too.
Anna. Seriously?
Victor. No, of course not. I'm joking. What did Thomas say?
Anna. He was interested. I'm sorry for interfering. I usually never do that.
Victor. It's nothing. Moreover, it was necessary to solve something with the guy anyway. We'll see. Thank you for participating.
Sanek. Who is Julia?
Anna. Where are you going? You have Ksyusha!
Sanek. I'm just curious. What's really bigger than yours?
Anna. Alexander! What kind of talk is this?
Sanek. All right, all right.
Victor. I have to go, it was nice to meet you, Anya. Alexander, see you later.
Sanek. Come on, come on.
The men shake hands, Victor leaves. Anna follows him with an interested look.
Sanek (seeing this look). What was that just now?
Anna. What?
Sanek. Ahhh! Everything is clear!
Anna. What? Nothing is clear. It seemed to you!
Sanek. Yes, of course.
Anna. Oh, that's it.
Anna leaves in embarrassment. Sanek walks off in the other direction, nodding his head cunningly.
Scene 4
Late evening
Ksyusha returns home from her shift, and Anna meets her.
Anna. Hi. How did you work out?
Ksyusha. Nothing, it's fine. How are you?
Anna. And I didn't work at all today.
Ksyusha. Oh? Did you quit anyway?
Anna. No, the water was turned off, everyone was dismissed.
Ksyusha. Ah.
Ksyusha goes to change clothes.
Ksyusha (shouting from the other room). And where is mine?
Anna (screams). Gone.
Ksyusha (shouting). Where to? When?
Anna (screams). In the afternoon still. I don't know where to go.
Anna goes into the kitchen.
Ksyusha returns in her house, sits down at the table. Anna returns and brings dinner.
Anna. I made porridge for you when you came. Will you?
Ksyusha. A little bit is possible. And what about yourself?
Anna. I've already eaten. So, I'll just sit with you for company.
He sits down opposite.
Anna. Your friend came to see you.
Ksyusha. Yes, I know. Did you behave normally?
Anna. Yes, everything is fine.
Ksyusha. Have you been drinking? Did you smoke in the apartment?
Ksyusha sniffs the air.
Anna. No, not at all. It's all good.
Ksyusha. What's good?
Anna. It's all good.
Ksyusha. Why is everything okay with us? When was this?
Anna smiles, evades the question. Ksyusha continues to have dinner.
Anna. Ksyu, I want to consult with you.
Ksyusha. What problems? Take advice!
Anna. I thought that I needed to change my image.
Ksyusha stops eating, looks at Anna like a sheep at a new gate.
Anna. He can do some other hairstyle, somehow present himself in a different way. Change your clothes.
Ksyusha. So! What happened?
Anna. You see, I was never taught that a girl should be well-groomed, beautiful. I realized with horror that I still don't know anything about femininity. I've always been raised the same way as boys. At the same level, according to the same requirements, according to the same pattern. Just now, the guys were wearing trousers, and I was wearing skirts. That's all. I've never used lipstick, I've never known what a manicure is. Somehow I always thought that all this was not mine, and indeed all this was superfluous.
Ksyusha. And now who taught you all this?
Anna. Yes… Nobody. Simply… I thought it might be… Why not?
Ksyusha. By yourself?
Anna. Yeah.
Ksyusha. Just like that, for nothing?
Anna. Yeah.
Ksyusha. Hey…
Anna. No, Ksyukh, seriously. Look at me! Who needs me like this? Do we have to do something about it?!
Ksyusha. Well, I'm looking. Not Marilyn Monroe, of course, but it will do. Not everyone is a beauty, it's okay.
Anna. Well, thank you.
Ksyusha. No, wait a minute. You're not that scary, if you look at it that way.
Anna. He's also a bit of a complimenter, Ksyusha.
Ksyusha. Let's be specific. What do you want? Dumpling lips? Will you dye your hair blue? Will you get tattoos? Specifically– what?
Anna. None of this.
Ksyusha. That's what I'm talking about! Sit on your butt straight and don't twitch. I came up with it too.
Anna. But no one likes me! Dads come for the children – they don't pay attention to me.
Ksyusha. So they're probably married!
Anna. But they are looking at other teachers! They even flirt! And it's not just about them. No one pays any attention to me at all.
Ksyusha. Did you want attention?
Anna. Ksyukh! I'm not sixteen anymore. And for a long time! And I still don't have a man… And there was no…
Ksyusha. Come on…
Anna. Chilly.
Ksyusha. Seriously?
Anna. More than enough.
Ksyusha. Wow. And I'm just finding out about this now?
Anna. Somehow we didn't talk about it.
Ksyusha. Yes, just like that… What can I say about this, it seems like everything should be by itself.
Anna. Maybe it should have been. But there wasn't.
Ksyusha. Those times… so… Well, listen… Then… Then-then-then…
Anna. I want to become beautiful.
Ksyusha. Look at you! Maybe I want to too!
Anna. Oh, do you have to complain?
Ksyusha. It rarely happens that a woman is generally satisfied with everything about herself. Usually you want to improve something.
Anna. I can at least reach your level, already for happiness.
Ksusha. Yeah. If you reach mine, my Sledge will jump over you right there. No, thanks, you'd better stay the way you are.
Anna. Why do I need your Sledge?
Ksyusha. As you say, there was no one. And here it is. Goes. Two legs, two arms, carnations in the middle.
Anna. What are you doing? Are you jealous of him?
Ksyusha. I wasn't jealous before, but now a dangerous moment has been revealed. I will be vigilant!
Anna. You're wrong, friend. I'm not interested in your Sanka at all, you can sleep peacefully. I need to improve my life, but with such a marketable appearance, no one will take me off the shelf.
Ksyusha. Hold on. It seems to have dawned on me. What are you doing? Are you into this friend of Sanka's or something?
Anna. Well, yes, I liked him. What's the big deal? He doesn't seem to be married.
Ksyusha. So why didn't you say anything? You go around and around, you give your friend all sorts of bad thoughts. And here in the yard. Everything is clear. So you have a crush on Vitka?
Anna. I didn't fall for it. I just liked him. But don't give me away! Don't tell your friend anything, otherwise you tell him, he tells Victor.
Ksyusha. Victor! Oh, wow. No, you've got a crush on him after all!
Anna. Maybe she has a crush.
Ksyusha. Yes, she definitely has a crush! Ooh! How interesting. And I've never seen him myself. Tell me about him. What is he like? Handsome, huh?
Anna. Well… He is such a… Good.
Ksyusha. It's a good description, too. They are all good, for the time being.
Anna. So will you still advise me something about what can be changed in me?
Ksyusha thinks, looks at her friend appraisingly.
Ksyusha. Let's do you know what we'll do? I have one friend – Tamara! An aspiring stylist. She doesn't even take money for her services yet, she's just gaining experience. I'll give you her phone number. Call me back. Tell them it's from me. And there you will think together, look for options.
Anna. Oh, thanks.
Ksyusha. No problem. Bring my phone over here. It's in my purse.
Anna happily brings Ksyusha's purse, and her phone too.
Ksyusha takes out her mobile phone, finds the right number, writes it down in Anna's phone.
Ksyusha. That's it. Done. Call, decide, transform. Say hi to her from me!
Anna. Absolutely! Thanks!
Anna kisses her friend on the cheek, hugs her, runs away joyfully.
Ksyusha continues to eat porridge.
The end of the first action.
