Анна Карат
Learn to love. 30 tips how to live
Question 2. A man is torn between me and his ex
This man likes me, but he hasn’t broken up with his former woman. We used to just be friends, but we’ve had sex recently. Now I think he is avoiding me.
Answer. You could get involved in a long and unpleasant story. When a MAN is not completely done with his previous relationship, nothing good usually happens in his new relationship. I think this is what you need to do: don’t let yourself fall in love with him until he is attracted to you and only you. To fall in love means to think of him a lot. Not to fall in love means not to think. Find a phrase for yourself that will help you shut out all the thoughts about HIM (at the same time you still can communicate with him and not only as friends). This game is actually interesting for him. He has been thinking of you for a while, and now sex is also possible.
Don’t think of him, don’t try to figure him out, don’t anticipate conversations and kisses. Do you remember what it is like to be on a diet? As long as you do not anticipate, you can remain patient. As soon as you imagine the taste of food, you immediately lose control. So your phrase should sound approximately like this: «No! You can’t do it! It will lead to you being unhappy.»Or something like this: «I won’t let him make a fool out of me!» Your thoughts are endless now. Day and night you are trying to guess, what exactly your MAN thinks, wants and what he will say when he calls you. You should know that all these endless thoughts suck all the energy out of you. Very soon you will become an exhausted and depressed woman. It means that you will stop attracting men. Why would you want this? Let your MAN figure you out!
If you remain happy and uninterested, you will surprise him a lot. He is expecting that you will fall in love with him and try to talk to sort things out. And he is afraid of it. He only wants to have fun sex and simple conversations. Say to yourself that he just wanted to have sex with you, a pretty woman, and stop bothering your head with this. What to do now? Just live your life. If he calls, you will talk (you should be the first one to say good-bye). If he asks you out, you will meet (you should be the first one to leave). Let him have sleepless nights! It is like cutting your head off to get rid of all the thoughts, at least for a month. One of the most unpleasant things for a man who is still in love with a woman he broke up with is to wake up next to somebody else. He has a good time in the evening, and at night, but then in the morning he wants to put his pants on and run away as quickly as possible. What is ridiculous is that this other woman might end up being much better than the first one. She also might love him much more, especially if the first one didn’t love him that much to begin with. The only problem is that they picked the wrong time.
A man can’t love two women simultaneously. It is cruel first of all in relation to himself. Nature has made room only for one woman in a man’s heart. If this room is already occupied, there is nothing for another woman in his heart. If you want to have a serious relationship with a MAN, wait until he frees himself from his previous relationship. It will take several months. You don’t need to avoid a MAN, but flirting is inappropriate. And if a MAN decides to have a fling, be patient and remember that it is not serious for him. He doesn’t know it yet, but you already do. In love, just like in a boxing ring the winner is the one with the strongest nerves.
Question 3. Does he like me? How would I understand that?
I love «an aging» man who is not married. The difference in age is 15 years. I think that he likes me, but he doesn’t do anything to expose his feelings. Now I understand that he is ashamed of his age. I am all tired out.
Answer. You are writing that he doesn’t express his feelings. As a matter of fact, if a man is interested in you, he looks at you more often and for longer periods of time. However, if your man is smart, he can control himself. Then he deliberately won’t look at you. Or he will take a rapid glance. Here is one more sign: if a man likes a woman, he will try to be close to her, for example, sit near her. He will find any excuse to do so. In my opinion the most accurate sign though is his joy when he sees you. Any woman can sense this joy, but she often mistakes it for friendliness.
Question 4. He has disappeared. What am I to do?
«I met John last summer. During that fall he wrote five love letters to me. And then nothing since the beginning of winter. I am going crazy. It is February now. Maybe he has the flu. I am going to visit him because he will die without me. Kate.»
Answer. Certainly, Kate, go visit him! Smart people learn from their own mistakes. Wise people learn from other people’s mistakes. Fools think that they live without mistakes. When I was young and innocent, at the age of 17 I fell in love with your typical «John». I fell in love with his guitar when he played the Beatles, his long hair, jeans and red socks. It was supposed to be our third date and he never came. His friend told me that John had the flu. And I ran to him. I felt that my actions were not smart, but I didn’t have time to think about it. He is sick! He is unwell! With the remaining part of my brain I decided that I would only ring the door bell, give him a bouquet of some flowers and leave. I thought that it wouldn’t be obtrusive but quite the opposite. It ended up being obtrusive.
Pale and weak John opened the door. He didn’t really care about my flowers, but invited me to come in. The remaining part of my brain simply disappeared and I did come in. Some other guy was visiting John. The three of us didn’t have anything to talk about. So we were sitting silently. The other guy was waiting for me to leave, and I was waiting for him to leave. It lasted for an hour. I became the girl who was not fun (but in reality I am a lot of fun). I realized this and finally left. Apparently John remembered me as a boring girl, because he never asked me out again.
Question 5. He writes to me, but he doesn’t offer to meet
I am 54 and I want to get married (this would be my second marriage). So I am trying to find somebody online. Last May a met a French man online. We still talk a lot on Skype and write to each other. I feel something electric toward him. Moreover, I have never heard love confessions like his. He often writes that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he is ready to talk to me on Skype every evening. I told him that if he wasn’t ready to come visit me, then our relationship wouldn’t have any future. He promised to solve this within two months.
Two months later I started the conversation again. He immediately became agitated. He said that he would be able to take time off only in February and booked tickets to come. On the one hand, I am afraid that closer to February something will happen and he won’t come. So I have been waiting in vain. On the other hand, he means a lot to me. I would like to continue our relationship. I am afraid to issue an ultimatum – either you come, or we will break up. Our communication is virtual. As of right now, nobody is obliged to do anything. What would you advise in this situation?
Answer. I recommend to stop thinking about this man. Don’t make up this love story with a man whom you’ve never seen before and whose behavior is a little strange. Calm down and start dating. You don’t have any strength to start a new relationship because of all your thoughts are about this French man and possible marriage. Is he as faithful as you are? Think of him as one of many pleasant men. If he comes, it will be nice. But let him initiate this visit without any promises from your side.
Question 6. How to attract his attention?
There is this guy in the night club I often go to. I like this guy a lot. He works there. He is a dancer. We have many common friends. That is how we met. I can’t watch him impassively when he is on stage. Sometimes we dance together, but only when I invite him. I confessed to him that I liked him a lot. After that he hardly notices me, but we still communicate. By the way, I know that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I need your advice. What should I do?
Answer. Oh, you got in a stupid situation that has only one way out. I am going to tell you what this way out, but you are not going to listen to me, are you? You are going to continue to follow this guy until he sleeps with you one day. And then he is going to do everything not to see you. Before it happens, I advise to stop going places where he hangs out. If he notices your absence, he will find you through your friends. If he doesn’t find you, stop by his work in three months, not earlier. During these three months read some books and learn to talk to men in a different way, like a queen.
It is likely that he will fall for you – the queen! If he doesn’t show any interest in you even then, stop going there at all. Of course, you are not going to listen to me. What I am suggesting is very difficult to do. However, maybe other girls will read this and use my advice. Maybe this letter from Kristen, who changed her attitude toward men, will help you: «Now I don’t call him first, unless he asks me to call him. When I offer to do something and he refuses, I don’t get upset like I used to. I try not to place much emphasis on it. If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to. It is his right. I try not to fight and not to get jealous. And what now? Now he calls me many times a day. He tries to talk for a long time. And I make our conversations shorter. I was the one who asked for kisses, now he does. So I do the opposite from what I used to do. I don’t express any initiative. I feel that he needs me. He doesn’t talk about love much. He says that his actions show his love (he pays for me, he always walks me home, he calls first, he goes to different events with me). I don’t talk about love first. I also show it with my actions. I cook for him and I take care of him. Just like he takes care of me.»
Chapter 3. How to make him fall in love with me?
To make a man fall in love is pretty easy: don’t be afraid of him and make your communication with him freer. The main obstacle is the fear that he might think something bad about you. Nature made it this way that males chase females. Even though a rooster is the only guy in a chicken coop and even if he looks awesome, he still chases a hen to mount her. Not one hen, no matter how dumb it is, will run after a rooster to mount him. Despite the fact that they are the nature’s supreme creations, girls often act sillier than hens. A guy will simply get scared (I know this because I’ve asked many of them) if a girl starts chasing him. Just like any rooster he will think: «Something is wrong with this hen… she is crazy!» They think this way, because guys are also created by nature. If a man takes two steps toward you, you should take only one (and don’t rush to him). Also, don’t forget to take two steps back later. If you chase him, he can’t chase you. He can only run away. If there is a «chaser», there is also a «chase». «I can’t live without you» is something that a person who has given up would say. Act on the principle: «I can live without you!» If you become the one who chases, nature will tell him what to do. This message will be louder than the one from his feelings and reason. A man wants to be where it feels good. Remember about it when you find a husband. This is the only way not to lose him. Take a closer look at a man. Can he rain on the parade of those around him? Can he be boring, sad, or irritated? If yes, can he change himself? Or maybe his motto is: «Accept me the way I am». Then nothing particularly good will happen here. Don’t rush. Let him prove that he can and wants to be better – for you, for your peace and your happiness.
In any relationship always ask yourself: «Who is chasing whom?» If you want to be happy, learn to run away and not to chase. The most beneficial behavior is when you act according to the following idea: “It is nice with you, but it is also nice without you!” When a man senses that he has been moved from the first place to the tenth place, he will want to understand the reason. All of our excuses – «I forgot your address» or «I lost your phone number» – will not work. If a man wants to be with a woman he loves, he will force his way through to that woman. The bottom line is that you should learn to live so that you are interesting to yourself. Then you will be interesting to other people around you. Just think about how many princesses lost their princes whispering: «I can’t live without you.» You should whisper: «I can live without you.»
A man is designed by nature to chase, and you need to ensure that he has this opportunity. Smile but be the first one to look away. Be the first one to say good-bye and leave. Don’t ask when you will meet again. Don’t hint about where you live and don’t just offer your phone number. You are a good man, but I am not going to chase you! «You will enjoy being with me, but it is difficult to win my heart.» This phrase should be read in your eyes, speech and gestures. You need to get rid of fear and any doubts concerning your attractiveness. The most accurate word to be used here is risky.
Why is it so important for a man to see our energy not only in your facial movements but also in our laugh, gestures, the way we walk and even the speed of our speech? He doesn’t analyze it looking for a reason why. Nature thinks for him making him choose the most energetic female which will give him a viable offspring. Every woman applies this knowledge intuitively. Yet how do you let him know that he will have to work to get you? Any man senses the level of woman’s intelligence right away. He is used to evaluating a woman from the first glance. He is trained to do so. Women think that men perceive them as sex objects. However, any normal man actually wants love.
When it comes to love I’ve had this one rule since I was twenty – to take a step toward a man who has taken two steps toward me. This is when you need a smart friend by your side. You should take into account only the steps that don’t cause any doubt. You also should have less initiative than a man. Should you always reciprocate to a step that was taken toward you? Of course not. That depends on what you want. Don’t turn your brain off. There are more and more young men who accept the fact that women court them. We should recognize it as a fact. I still think though, that we should educate men to make them understand what manly behavior means. As long as I was the one asking them out, I couldn’t maintain even one serious relationship. As soon as I started acting in accordance with nature, men started proposing. To catch a man is very easy! At first you need to prove to him that your soul is beautiful, then you need to prove that he is a genius and that you are the only person who understands that. The most appealing element here is sincerity.
Friendship, just like love, is built according to the same laws:
1. Interest, mystery, desire to solve the mystery.
2. Necessary break up, testing if you can live without each other.
3. Getting back together for a long time, maybe forever.
Your companion should be in awe while talking to you. He should be very interested in you! Then he himself will start looking for you, calling you and thinking of you. And it is very likely that he will fall in love with you.
The first thing a man does is evaluation of a woman as a sexual object. After the first outburst of physical attraction men will be interested in positivity and adventurousness. They understand that women often create specific emotional atmospheres. A man weighs up the pros and cons thinking about a possible partnership with a woman. If he meets a woman who, in his opinion, is going to be on his side, he is attracted to her. If you want to be loved by men, you should also love them. There should be this animal passion toward a woman! Men marry women who arouse them. Men don’t need a lot of women; men need a lot of sex! If a woman makes sure that her man gets this sex at home, they can form a normal family. For your man to like you, you need to be liked by other men. A man by nature is a winner among other males. He is a competitor and rival. This rule is not that obvious for women but still is true. The instinct of procreation works the following way: grab the best ones whose quality has been proven by others. You probably have noticed that men appear like a flock of birds – all of them at the same time. Sometimes a man starts paying attention to a woman only after his friend has already paid attention to her. This rule works on women too: «Gosh, who is it with her? Maybe he is good in bed?» Just like that. Interest is there. After that it will be easy for a woman to find reasons to stay interested in him.
Once I said: «To be liked by your husband, you need to be liked by others’ husbands.» I received an interesting response to this phrase: «This is exactly how I got married – when I started dating other men. It was like my intuition led me to do this. I loved him a lot and I suffered a lot without him. Thanks to my «dates» with other men he became more active. I didn’t cheat on him, no. I just had innocent dates: had coffee with somebody, went to theaters or museums. It is very important for a man to show other males that this female is his! You can be liked by men without flirting. If you put on clothing that men admire, they will be surrounding you wherever you go. If you talk about things that are interesting for men, they won’t go far away. I’ve seen it many times how a man would change when he sees that his lady attracts other men, how he falls in love with her again right in front of your eyes.
What shouldn’t you talk about in the first five minutes when you just met him? I don’t recommend girls to:
● Talk about their illnesses.
● Remember and especially quote their mothers.
● Hint that they are in high demand among men.
● Boast about their connections.
● Talk about outfits, make up and diets.
● Smoke a lot.
If you mention your success with other men, your guy will get disappointed before he has a chance to be charmed by you. Your guy won’t show you that you have hurt his feelings, he will just make a note in his head: «She is not the one!» And then she will put a symbolic checkmark on the line «Not good enough for a serious relationship.» The thing is that serious relationships imply that there are only the two of you. Our heart is made this way, that it can love only one person. When it is just you and he, the third person (as well as the rest of the humankind) must be forgotten. There are only the two of you on the whole planet.
A man falls in love in stages. At first you need to interest him with your femininity. Only then you demonstrate your personal qualities. How to intrigue a man in the first minutes of a conversation? There are men’s topics that women don’t usually talk about and don’t know much about (I don’t mean work). Your aim is to surprise him and to stir interest. That is why before you talk to him try to find out what he is interested in. Many men are interested in fishing, cars and politics. A man tries to put in the topic of sex as soon as possible, probably hoping that it is irresistible. A woman shouldn’t talk directly about sex or support this topic in a conversation. It shows she has a low level of intelligence. A man will get bored quickly.
If you want to get to a man’s heart, I can give you the coordinates: you don’t necessarily have to be smart or beautiful, you have to be sincere, happy and you have to create a wish to live. So how do you become such a desirable woman? To begin with, you should become young and fresh like spring. «Spring» women cannot be forgotten. Even men who are happy remember these women. If you manage to become a «spring» woman, you will get into a man’s heart. To get into his heart is not enough. It is important not to fall out. In order not to fall out you need to know a secret. Question: what is the biggest satisfaction for a smart man? Answer: a candid conversation with a smart woman.
So the name of the secret is a «conversational» orgasm. An orgasm means the biggest pleasure. A physical orgasm happens during sex. Let’s call it a typical orgasm. A typical orgasm lasts for several seconds, usually not longer than ten. Maybe somebody has set a record, but we are still talking about seconds. Once I read an article about animals’ orgasms. The record belongs to pigs. It turns out that their orgasm can last for up to thirty minutes. But this is still your corny sexual orgasm. I claim that there is an orgasm of a higher level – conversational. A conversational orgasm can last for hours, as long as five hours even. Just think – five hours of the biggest rush! Moreover, unlike a typical orgasm, a conversational one often leads to positive changes in life. Once you have experienced a conversational orgasm, you will crave more of it.
