Анна Карат
Learn to love. 30 tips how to live
Chapter 6. What kind of a woman will he never pick as a wife?
I have known Kathy since we were young. She is an alcoholic now. She has a nice flat in the center of the city, a grown daughter and an interesting job. At the same time men are not interested in her. That is why Kathy drinks every night alone. What’s interesting is that she herself is very attracted to men. When she was young, she used to change partners all the time. She moved from one bed to another, from a hotel room to somebody’s office. I remember she said once: «I will never be alone, they have too much fun in bed with me to leave me.» Yet every man she had left her. She didn’t have even one long term relationship. When the father of her daughter left her, I asked him about the reason. He answered, «For Kathy to cheat on me would be as easy as drinking a glass of water. Why would I want a wife like this?» Kathy was beautiful, lively and talented. She was also promiscuous. She was good for a one-night stand.
To collect men is satisfying (just like to collect women). However, if you are loved today, it doesn’t mean that you will be loved tomorrow. I don’t really recommend you to hurry, but still remember that your endless choice can end very soon. Big love is like a big miracle. And big miracles require a lot of patience, forgiveness and many other things. Moreover, if you think that you can wait for a different one because it might be better, your miracle will disappear. A young woman early on looks for signs of a future husband in a young man’s actions. A young man also tries to predict what kind of wife his girlfriend might become.
When my son was breaking up with his girl, he said, «I have realized that she argues with me all the time, because she wants to win. She needs to be winning all the time! So I think that we need to break up, because all of these fights with her ruin my mood.» Guys run far away from boring and nagging girls. They will not become cheerier as wives. They will be prone to feeling unwell. Don’t look for a pretty or modest one. Look for the one who will be equal to you. She should love you like you love her; she should think like you do and want similar things. Young women often nag a lot, because they are not happy with certain things. Young men are typically content with everything but nagging.
Men take all of this nit-picking very personally. For them it means that they haven’t done something that they were supposed to or haven’t made enough money, etc. It also means that their women are not satisfied, they haven’t been able to make them happy. Thus, women should take into account not only negative remarks only toward men but also toward life. It is important, because even when we complain about life, men assume that it is their fault. Sooner or later, men start valuing in women the skill of living happily.
Question 18. Having done everything he had asked for, I became not interesting for him.
I am thirty years old and I have never been married. I do have a seven-year old daughter. I had had enough men in my life before I met him. After a week of knowing each other he moved in with me. The first rift happened three months later. He didn’t want me to go on a business trip for two weeks and I still went. Then he asked me to quit my job and I refused. He wanted to have a quiet and cozy family life. I wasn’t able to give that to him. One day he told me that he was leaving. I decided to change. He still said that there was no point in being together.
He found a different woman and lived with her for three months. Now we are back together. I have another chance. Unfortunately, he is not happy again, even though I quit my job and started doing everything he wants me to do! I like staying at home now, cooking for him and being there when he comes home. So I have started to change and he thinks that it is suspicious. He says that now he feels sorry for me, he calls it the remainders of love. He meets with other women and busies himself with work. We have only sex left. Other than that, we are like neighbors to each other.
Answer. A man is a hunter and a warrior. It is a simple and basic idea. He wanted to conquer you and you were being stubborn. It inspired him to try conquer you even more. As a result, you are a rug on the floor by his side of the bed. Nobody really loves rugs. It is so easy to get used to a rug. When a rug gets old, it is also very easy to replace it with a new one without any regrets. So I recommend you tomorrow with a smile on your face to thank him and let him go. There is nobody else in your house he could conquer. When he leaves, there will be only one way to get him back. You need to become like sunshine – a person who radiates happiness even if you are alone.
You should become a person that cannot be completely conquered. I think that you should do what you like, work where you want and communicate with people you like. It means that you should become an individual, a woman who has her own thoughts and opinions, a life of her own and people she wants to spend time with. It is interesting to be with an individual! It is not interesting to be with a rug! If you leave, it is very likely that he will come back to your sunshine. He will be very curious to find out what has happened to you.
Chapter 7. How to choose the one and only man?
I state that it is a woman who makes a choice. If she has decided something, a man will definitely do what she wants. When I think about the quality of a person, my first criterion is whether he or she can change his or her habits and consequently character. It doesn’t matter what kind of childhood and parents we had. That doesn’t depend on us. What’s important is whether you have enough brain and will to act differently, to change your behavior today.
These are my criteria when I choose a man. Well, of course one of the main ones is «sexual dizziness» when I see him. Can we laugh together? If you immediately start laughing together for the same reason, it tells about your intellectual compatibility. Can he improve himself for me? Do I want to improve myself for him? Do I want to make him happy? Do I feel at peace with him? Will he be happy for my victory even if this victory means that he failed? First and foremost – you can be honest with him, you don’t need to lie, he will understand everything.
You probably will agree that a person makes himself/herself. However, I think that real men are made by real women. It is true even if they don’t know each other yet. I asked many women the following questions: «Would you like it if your man 1) borrowed money from you, 2) told you that you had some competition, 3) asked for your advice, 4) doesn’t bring any food, but eats yours, 5) tolerated it when his boss yelled at him?» It turned out to be that what was important for women wasn’t men’s intelligence or prudence but their pride.
Why do people at the age of thirty or so rarely fall in love with celebrities like actors and singers? Moreover, women let themselves fall in love with those who have already fallen in love with them. Being in love means a number of pleasant thoughts about a certain person. So ask yourself what you are looking for. If you want to suffer and try this emotional roller coaster, then by all means do fall in love with the closest sex-symbol – tall, slim, wealthy and trendy. Half of the women you know are already in love with him. In a relationship he acts like a woman who needs to be conquered and pleased. It is impossible to build a family with him.
If you want to have a good husband, you should look for him among your friends who you find attractive emotionally and physically. Learn to transfer friendships into romantic relationships (men are usually happy to jump to this next stage fairly quickly). The smart thing to do, in my opinion, is to check if he is a good friend and protector and only then let yourself think of him as a future husband. What does usually happen though? Usually we, silly girls, immediately try to imagine a possible candidate wearing a tuxedo and saying «I do!»
The majority of men (I mean normal average men, not some supermen) are attracted to feminine traits of character like friendliness, non-aggressiveness and kindness. A man is afraid to be laughed at. That is why he will never come up to a woman who could possibly push away and criticize him. Infatuation lasts for half a year. Then there is a period of testing. This is when a man and a woman evaluate each other and decide if they can build a family together. Look attentively at the one you want to have a relationship with. Even if you are buying a phone, you are going to check several times what you are giving your money for. And here you are giving somebody your soul! So check a hundred times.
Our goal is not to make up some imaginary love, but to spot it timely and hold on to it. At first people are just friendly to each other. Later this friendliness becomes either friendship or love. I think of love like friendship plus sexual connection. Don’t look at your new male acquaintance as at a future husband right away. Look at him as at a friend at first. I have never seen love without friendship at its basis. It is true even when we talk about parents and children. Once again, if your guy can be a good friend and he excites you sexually, then you can think of him as a romantic partner. Just check one last thing. Does he want to change for the better for you? If he says that you should love him the way he is with all of his flaws, you can straightforwardly reply that there are a lot of guys with flaws you can choose from. The point is to want to be better.
This whole idea about men being friends at first is quite the opposite for many women. Today we meet them, tomorrow we already have all these dreams and even picture wedding rings in our heads. Only later do we learn more about them, get disappointed and suffer for a long time. In reality nobody disappointed us! We did it to ourselves. Nobody betrayed us! We ourselves decided that men (whom we have known for twenty-four hours) would swear to be faithful to us. Look for a friend. Also, watch him when he gets mad, especially when he gets mad at you. Oh, and by the way, ask him about duties of his future wife as he sees them (not really directly to his face, but maybe in a company of friends as a game).
Question 19. I am 15 years older than he is. What is waiting for us in the future?
I got divorced after twenty years of a nightmare. I have been devoted to my job and children for the last four years. I like peace and quiet in my house. I know that I should have divorced him much sooner than I did. I also know that it is my fault that I let him treat me the way he did. Now I am dating this young man. We have known each other for a year, but it has been more of a friendly business relationship. We sometimes would meet because of our jobs even though we work in different spheres. I had a big problem once and he helped. I noticed of course that he didn’t help just because. Women sense things like that.
We have a very close relationship. I tell him about my fears and he tells me about his problems. I have never seen such a warm and caring treatment. He is married and he has a son…and he is fifteen years younger than me. To date him just to feel alive and normal? That’s terrible for me. I am sure there is no marriage for us in the future. Sometimes he says that he doesn’t want to go back home to his wife, but he feels sorry for his son. I don’t say anything to this. I just listen. I have two girlfriends. Both are married. Their husbands are seven years younger than they are, but you can’t see the difference unless you know. They have happy lives. But in my case the difference is fifteen years! I scrutinize the way I look – I already have wrinkles. What will I look like when I am fifty?
Answer. The age difference would be the least of my concerns. Nobody knows what will happen in ten years. Remember, that a man values your positive energy. Not all young girls have this energy. A fifty-year old woman can be more active in sex than a thirty-year old man. That is not the point. What you should think about though, is your guy’s habit to complain. He can be doing that for years. If you want some certainty, tell him about it honestly. Discuss with him all the expectations and how you view his relationship with the son. Then give him some time to decide.
If after the time you have given him he doesn’t show up at your door with a packed suitcase, break up with him. If you give in and start seeing him again, you will be listening to his complaints about his wife for years. Why do you need to think about yourself when you are fifty? You will have a good life if you can produce joy. It is this simple! I think that what confuses you is not the difference in age. It is the difference in understanding of life. A man does what a man is normally supposed to do. A woman loves him for that. If there are no manly actions, then why would a woman love him? If he can’t love you, then search for the one who can.
Question 20. How to forget about your former partner and cherish the one who is next to you now?
A friend of mine has caught herself in a bind. She doesn’t know what to do and she is getting physically unwell because of that. The situation is the following. She lived with Kevin for a long time and was happy. They studied together and loved each other. He knew and understood her well. However, after some time she met Matt and left Kevin. She lived with Matt for three years and hoped to become his wife. Matt didn’t marry her and even gave her a hint that it was time for her to move out. It broke her heart. She met with Kevin again and he told her that he still loved her and offered her to live with him. My friend was not local and she didn’t have a place of her own.
She moved in with Kevin again. He was a nice and reliable guy. At first everything was fine, but she couldn’t forget Matt. Eventually Kevin started irritating her with his excessive love. He even blamed her for not loving him enough. He probably understood that she still had feelings for Matt. So she has a dilemma now. She doesn’t want to lose Kevin, but it is getting more and more difficult to live with him. She knows that she is using him and feels guilty. She is also afraid to be alone even though she is a very attractive and talented girl. What do you think she should do?
Answer. If he has started to irritate her, it will only get worse. Imagine living with somebody who irritates you every day! In her case it will be even more difficult because she feels guilty for using him. This decision should be made by your friend.
