Анна Карат
Learn to love. 30 tips how to live
Question 25. My husband looks at other women. Is it normal?
My husband and I love each other and we are good friends to each other. But he always follows every woman with his eyes. Every woman nearby can cause a bad mood for me. My husband claims that all men stare at women and that there is nothing to worry about. I am trying to understand him. Maybe I am too jealous and untrusting.
Answer. The way out of this situation is very easy. Don’t go out with your husband. If he invites you to go somewhere, tell him that his behavior is unpleasant for you. «I understand you. I also like to look at attractive people whether they are men or women. However, I need you to understand me too. I am going to the theater with my girlfriend and to that wedding I am going alone.» I never go somewhere where I am not going to feel good and I never go with somebody who is going to make me feel uncomfortable. It is very normal. Do you love yourself? Then why would you put yourself in a humiliating situation? Of course you could find an excuse that to look at other women is a physiological need for men. Guess what – to scratch ourselves in certain places is also a need, but we still don’t do that in public.
I would think everything through if I were you. When a man doesn’t understand that he should be protecting a woman, is he really a man? He looks more like a boy. Let’s say that his actions keep humiliating you. This is when you should make a decision: he either changes, or you break up with him. If he doesn’t change, then he hasn’t matured up to being a man. Why do you need a boy then? He shows you his disrespect. You say that when you are alone with him, everything is fine. Maybe it is really so and he does care about you. Then he will become afraid to lose you and start changing himself. If he refuses to change himself, then you can tell him to look for another woman. And you will go a different way – to a different man.
Chapter 10. Can any person become faithful?
I think that yes, any person can become faithful. If not with you, then with a different woman. If not today, then in a year, two, five or twenty. Any man is a potential one-woman man. So why are there so many polygamous men around? I have one main explanation of this. It is lack of common sense. I measure common sense with adequate behavior of a person in different situations. A situation of happiness implies that there is one woman in a man’s heart and one man in a woman’s heart. If a person has reached a lot in his or her career, is successful financially and recognized socially, then I can say that this person is very intelligent. However, if this person puts his or her job ahead of normal life values, then I can say that this person lacks common sense.
This person depends on the opinion of the majority. He or she is not free. This person is trapped by stereotypes. I strongly believe that when it comes to a man, without a woman in his heart, he can’t let himself be free. That is why a woman was created for happiness. A man without a woman was meant to work hard like a slave. All women understand that even when they are young girls. Not all men understand that even when they become old men. All men become monogamous. It is a matter of time. Smart ones get it early on and they are happy for many years. Others have different scenarios.
Women also need more than one man. So they also have a choice. They can either find a lover, then one more lover, and one more lover, or they can find the best qualities of other men in their husbands. And stay faithful. If you choose the first option, then it is an open relationship. You can’t expect him not to cheat on you then.
Do you want to find the one and only man? A monogamous man. You will have one if he feels that he is free. The same applies to a woman. Freedom and faithfulness can and will go together if you are the most feminine woman for him and he is the most masculine man for you. So this is your goal – to become the most feminine woman for him.
Chapter 11. Sex, sex, sex
In recent years the mass media has been filled with a lot of sexual content. This has changed our younger and older girls. In the past it was shameful to be getting married being «not a girl» anymore. Nowadays the situation is quite the opposite. Girls are comfortable talking about it, even in public and even holding a microphone. Movies are made by men. Romantic novels are written by women under order of men. Books and newspapers are published by men. Men want to have sex, because nature told them to procreate. That is why men impose this desire on women.
Today, in any chick lit there is sex. And it is not just a half an hour simple bed scene. It lasts all night! The entire page is filled with orgasms that happen one after another until morning. I am not going to go into anatomic and scientific details here. I just want to say that it doesn’t happen this way in real life. It is just like with food. A human being can’t be eating sandwiches ten hours in a row. Nature made it this way that our hunger gets satisfied much faster than that. The same way our body is not meant to last ten hours of sexual intercourse. It is interesting though, that the word «sex» is used in our everyday life more often than words like «bread» or «water».
When I say that men have a different kind of sexual hunger, a lot of women get unhappy. They say that they also suffer without sex just like men do. Nature made men in charge of the population. In order for men not to be lazy nature gifted them with this agonizing (and sometimes literally painful) craving for sex. There is one very obvious difference between men and women when it comes to sex. Women can conceive a child without an orgasm, while men can’t. They should have an orgasm to ejaculate.
This urge to have an orgasm is a vital need for men. Women, no matter how passionate they are, can’t feel the same way. I am not saying that women don’t want to have an orgasm. All I am saying is that men need it a lot more. The urge is stronger and not the orgasm itself. I can compare it with a certain talent. All people are talented, but only very developed talents can actually control and move people to do something.
A sexual preference is a deeply subconscious thing. So when a man has picked a woman and that very woman has picked that very man, they both need to make sure that their sexual preference is supported. Sexual interest should be stirred up to avoid a change of roles in bed. There always should be «man-woman» roles in bed (not «father-mother» or «sister-brother»). I think that almost all cases of a divorce happen when one of the partners loses his or her sexual interest in the other partner. And it doesn’t matter what reasons partners will be naming. If a woman starts to yell at her children, her voice stops being arousing for her man. And that’s it! Don’t forget that you and your partner exchange energy even if you both are silent.
Men value smart women’s thoughts. These thoughts charge the air around us and we want thunder and lightning. If a woman wants to charm men around her, she should be energetic. In a woman everything should radiate energy, including her face. Here is an example. If you see several women singing pretty well, you still pay attention to the one who has an «alive» face and darts flirting glances.
Now let’s go back to sex. For a woman sex is a means of satisfaction and nothing more. For a man sex is a vital need. Satisfaction can be delayed while the vital need can’t. That is why we can see a man who wants sex no matter what moral values there are, and a woman who wants sex sort of lazily.
Question 26. He doesn’t want me. Why?
I have been married for eight years. In the last six months my husband has been refusing to have sex always explaining his unwillingness with some negative circumstances: it is too light or too hot, there are some strange smells or sounds in the room (only he can smell or hear them), he needs to work or there is not time, I am wearing something that he doesn’t like the feel of, etc. This started after I told him that I didn’t want to have this automatic and emotionless sex, always at the same time and in the same position. That having been said, he doesn’t have any problems with virility and he is not cheating on me. As a result, I have the role of the one who is asking for something and constantly being refused.
I don’t have any thoughts in my head other than to threaten him with finding a lover (at least a virtual one to begin with). I have heard that sometimes women use this technique quite effectively no matter how extreme it might be.
Answer. Sex is something very personal. People should be free when it comes to that. Your husband for some reason could give you only this «emotionless» kind of sex. You told him that you didn’t want that. However, he cannot give you anything else right now. That is why he decided to avoid it altogether. You need to think about reasons here and not about how to manipulate him and make matters worse. If you do scare him, it will not lead to more sensitive sex. Try to change yourself to make your husband admire you. Make your conversations with him desirable and addictive for him. Look at how much he works and sleeps. Maybe he is really exhausted. Then sex is indeed not a priority for him right now!
Question 27. Sex scares me.
I was once humiliated by a man during sex. Now I am afraid of men and I am afraid of sex too. What should I do?
Answer. You are transferring your resentment from a person onto a situation. You were hurt by a specific man. What you need to do is to learn how to recognize people like that right away. This should be your goal. Sex is not important in this situation. If you were offended by a massage therapist, would you become afraid of massage in general?
Question 28. What if he has problems in the bedroom?
My significant other sometimes fails to achieve an orgasm. I comfort him and tell him that it is alright. Yet I see that he is becoming withdrawn.
Answer. It is very likely that your significant other is worried about his problems with sex. The more failures he has, the more often he can think that it might be different with a different woman. He probably is busy searching for somebody new. You want to comfort him and so you tell him that sex is wonderful. Of course he doesn’t believe you! In this situation, if a man really means a lot to you, I would be telling him that sex is not that important. Being together is what’s important.
Question 29. He doesn’t want to be having sex all night long. Is it normal?
My boyfriend became my husband and now he doesn’t want to have sex all night with a lot of passion. It doesn’t really bother me, but my friends tell me that it should. What do you think about it?
Answer. I think that frequent sex «all night with a lot of passion» is an image created by books and movies. In real life emotions and passion like that are impossible. It would exhaust you. It is not a normal situation. Women often want to experience feelings like that because they themselves have so much energy. Try and direct this energy in a different sphere of your life, for example, your career or something creative.
Chapter 12. What does he expect from sex?
Two thirds of a man’s love is based on sex. They like it when their wives think about sex and even plan it. The point is not in sex itself. The point is in the interest in sex. What woman is good in bed? Any woman you see any where: on a train, in a park, in a café, etc. It is a woman who can give the necessary emotions. A man sometimes needs passion in bed, sometimes – tenderness and always – comfort. He often needs sex instead of sleeping pills.
Sex for men is a vital need, for women it is almost always a pleasure. Here is proof of that – there are many women who live for decades without sex and without men. And they are quite happy. On the other hand, I know some very vigorous and energetic women who have plenty of male hormones in them. They act like men and need an orgasm at least two times a week. Male sexuality is different and wives should understand that. Statistics are quite curious by the way: single women live longer than married ones, whereas married men live longer than bachelors.
Don’t think that in order to have great sex with you your man needs your perfect nails, clean hair and slim belly. He probably won’t even notice that. He needs your participation in sex, your admiration and pleasure! Sometimes he needs sex just to be able to go to sleep. Women can say «no» to having sex if they think that they don’t look good enough. It’s as if women get aroused by the surroundings or their own beautiful reflection in a mirror. I am going to repeat one more time that men just need to feel wanted and loved for who they are and not for the money and power they might possess.
It doesn’t mean that you need to be passionate every night. All women have different temperaments. Maybe you need an orgasm once in every ten days. So when you are working on this orgasm, do your best to be sexually-unfettered. And in the next nine days your man will be thinking about your orgasm. Find a position in which it will be comfortable for you to reach an orgasm. Don’t be shy and don’t worry that it is always the same position. Very often a woman chooses one or two positions, not more. Do whatever is comfortable for you! Tell your man what he should be doing for your pleasure. It is possible that he won’t figure it out on his own for the rest of his life. Your biggest mistakes are shyness and silence. A bed is not a place where you need to be shy.
I am not urging women to be unable to say no and to always be willing to have sex. On the contrary, your man is happy to try and work hard to «conquer» you and to «possess» you. He will be chasing you and you will be running away as it was planned by nature. However, sometimes you need to show initiative, because men are proud of the fact that women want them. When your man really wants sex, and you for some reason are ready only to «assist» him, tell him about it in the very beginning. You can come up with a funny phrase to describe this kind of behavior, for example, «I am playing the role of timber today» or something like that.
I don’t recommend pretending when it comes to passion and an orgasm. It is deception that can ruin your relationship even if it is hidden. If your man suspects that you lie in bed, he will stop trusting you in everything else. The sooner you will find the button that turns his passion on, the better. For some men this button gets pushed when women tell stories about their former partners or sexual fantasies, for other men – when women moan or, on the contrary, don’t make a sound. Look for that button.
The main pleasure for men is not our orgasm – it is the realization that they possess real females. These females are natural, capricious, naughty, headstrong but conquered by them. If a man doesn’t have this feeling, then something is lost and a woman is to be blamed for this loss. It means that a woman hasn’t made her man her priority.
